I'm Scared

I’m scared.

I’m scared of the person I've become.

It’s very ironic that I actually think I'm better off now than I was before.

It’s the first time in years that I didn’t outright failed a subject. I got two 4.0s and an INC. But at least there is hope, right? I actually passed one removal exam already.

The self-esteem I lost months before is now back and I've never felt more contented in years. You see, I now realize that there’s more to life than falling in love. It isn’t what life is all about for people my age. There’s plenty of time for that later. There are more pressing matters now, one of which is a thing called graduation.

I’ve said goodbye to lonely nights. You know, the nights when I think about why I'm not as lucky as other, especially with the ever elusive thing (at least for me, I guess) called love; the nights when I wonder what the hell happened to the guy who was confidently the most intelligent person at school and never studied as hard as the bookish chaps and yet gets higher scores; the nights when I wished I could talk to someone to whom I could pour my heart into so I wouldn’t have to keep it all in; the nights when I wished I was hugging a warm body, just like the rest of the people at our apartment; in short, the nights when I felt I was so alone.

Ha! Of course, I still do get bouts of loneliness from time to time, but I can easily brush them off now. One good lesson you learn when you’re wallowing in self-pity is that all you have to do is just, well, count your blessings. Because, like what my email signatures say, everything sucks, but at least I'm still doing fine.

I have become this strong, patient and stable person that I thought I should be. If I won't be strong for myself, who else would be? The girl who broke my heart? Definitely not.

Now this is where the I’m-scared part comes in. It’s like I’m too strong to be true.

I'm scared that I'm enjoying being on my own too much. There are times when I actually prefer being alone. Imagine, I actually dated myself last Valentine’s Day.

I'm scared that I’ll be contented in being alone that I might not need another person’s help.

I'm scared that I've built this emotional wall that might alienate any future special someone. Months ago, I vowed that I won't let anyone hurt me that hard ever again. Of course, that time, such vow was therapeutic. But I'm not so sure what purpose that vow serves now.

I'm scared that I've become too picky, dismissing any prospect when in fact I shouldn’t be looking for a perfect person because such doesn’t exist. Nah, she’s too beautiful. Nah, she’s not beautiful enough. Nah, her IQ’s low. Nah, she’s a disco person.

I'm scared that I'm too blind to see. I might miss ‘the one’. I never see a girl’s potential of being ‘the one’. But I never fail to see the possibility that this girl isn’t for me.

I'm scared that I've lost faith in love altogether, that I might actually give up looking for someone. That love, while it is for everyone else, it isn’t for me.
I'm scared to let my heart’s defenses down, fearing it might take another destructive battering. I hate the moving-on and healing period. It takes its toll on me. Other aspects of my life get screwed as well. Not to mention my fragile self-esteem.

I'm scared that I'm so bitter to fall in love again. If nobody wants me, fine!

I'm scared that I'm too scared to fall in love again because I'm too scared to get hurt again. Self-explanatory.
I'm scared that my happy and contented outlook in life is just bitterness in disguise. Scariest possible realization of it all.

Down with Scott!

And then they were five. Scott’s way overdue departure on American Idol has finally happened! I WISH!

Who will get the boot this week – I will know in around 18 hours from now (11.45pm, April 27). Nami-miss ko na si Nadia. At si Nikko. At si Jessica. At si Lindsey. Haha! Sayang na sayang kasi ang airtime ni Scott at Constantine eh!

Lindsey Cardinale – the eye-candy with a distinct deep voice. Hindi siya pang ultimate American Idol but I wished she stayed longer. Ang sarap kasi sa tenga ng boses niya eh. Ewan ko ba bakit ayaw ng America sa unique and rich voice niya. Nauna pa ng isang linggo si Mikalah.

Jessica Sierra – out of the Top 12, 4^th in my personal order. She also has this very soothing voice. I can't see what’s not to like about her. Dahil ba sa medyo malapad niyang panga? Or is it because she bungled the lyrics of the videoke classic Total Eclipse Of The Heart?

Nikko Smith – hindi ko siya favorite pero I do enjoy his performances. Ngayong Recent Hits ang theme, I know that he would’ve had a great performance. His shocking exit is well, a shocker?

Nadia Turner – people always complain about her lack of vocal range – this I can't refute. Diba nga lumalabas na ang mga ugat niya sa leeg kapag bumibirit siya? Unfortunately, she has this knack of choosing songs that aren't very popular. ‘Yan tuloy, natanggal siya, just because she just wanted to ‘keep it real’. Whenever I watched the Results Show when she was booted out, I really feel sad. Kasi, lagi nila sinasabi, “just be yourself, blah blah blah”. Kasi naman si Nadia, super fluctuating ang performances – one week, super galing. Then the following week, super boring naman.

Now, my top 3 favorites are surviving: Carrie, Vonzell & Anthony (in order).

Anthony Fedorov – when I say I like this native of Ukraine, it’s the Rex who used to love mushy boy bands that’s talking. Anthony is like a product of the company that manufactured Westlife, A1 and Five. Good thing though, he isn’t singing any mushy, I-will-love-you-forever-girl stuff. Add the fact na Harry-Potter look-a-like pa siya. Kaya lang, feeling ko underdog siya kina Constantine at Bo. Matatanggap ko na pang-Top 5 lang siya. Pero hindi ko matatanggap na mas mauuna pang umuwi si Anthony kay Scott!

Vonzell Solomon – first time I heard her sing, sabi ko ‘forgettable’. But ever since The Best of My Love, I fell in love with this bubbly lady. I like the aura she exudes whenever she sings – ‘yun bang she’s really having fun. I'm dreaming of a Finale with her and Carrie. But I feel ko si eye-fucking Constantine ang malaking balakid sa panaginip na ito.

Carrie Underwood – perfect mix of beauty and talent. Ang lamang lang ni Vonzell sa kanya ay probably personality. Sabi ko dati, kayang-kaya niya si Constantine. Pero dahil medyo so-so lang siya para sa akin ever since Alone and Independence Day, she might be losing steam.

You must be wondering bakit wala akong individual comments kina Mikalah, Anwar, Scott, Bo at Constantine? Well, di ko sila feel eh. Although I think it’s obvious above that I do hate Mikalah, Constantine and Scott, right? Both Anwar and Bo are talented. Bo isn’t my genre and Anwar is, boring?

Ma-download nga muna ang mga Top 6 performances. Sana sa susunod kong blog. Ako ay nagbubunyi na ako na wala na si Scott!

DOWN WITH SCOTT!