Starting Over...

..Doing so can be quite hard sometimes. Vestiges of the past, whether good or bad, can bog us down. How do we move on? How do we start?

Actually, I don’t know myself.

STARTING OVER. What I do know though is that a new year has started and what it brings with it is a chance to start over. It’s that time of the year that is perfect for different kinds of New Year’s Resolutions. When people start behaving differently, other would automatically think, “It’s a new year after all”. It’s a little unfair, if you ask me. I mean, what if that person actually thought that it’s about for him or her to be a better person. Can we not give him or her the merit for wanting to be a better person just because he or she want to be so, and not just it’s the New Year and making resolutions is the “in” thing to do.

And speaking of resolutions, I don’t have any for I am not a big fan of New Year’s Resolutions. Of course, it’s not because I am a perfect person already and I can live without any positive change in my life. I just don’t feel like having one just because it’s a New Year.

What I do though during New Year’s is to look back on the year that was, which is pretty much customary for TV shows (year-end specials) and radio stations (year-end countdowns).

LOOKING BACK. The year 2007 for me was not exactly kind to me. But I am not about to point blame to anyone but myself. While there are factors that was beyond my control, still, everything I did was a result of my decision, no matter how big or small.

Having said that, I am not losing hope, and it’s not just because the last month of 2007 was easier on me (it was my birthday and the holiday season after all). I just choose to see beyond the bad things that happened, like I always do each year.

Tragedies, of all sorts, happened to me and my friends. Dreams shattered. Plans failed. Relationships scarred. There were many nights that were quite emotionally hard for me. But I survived it all.

So to end my first post for 2008, I came up with some fun awards to highlights the best times of the year. NOTE: These don’t sufficely sum the best of the year, but it’s fun to give these awards anyway, haha!

Song of the Year – Umbrella by Rihanna
This isn't necessarily my favorite song of the year, for that awards would go to, err, gosh, I can’t choose! Just choose from these 19 other songs I listed in my Multiply. I chose this song to represent the year 2007 for me. For if there’s one year that I really felt how valuable my friends are, it is this year. If 2006 was about betrayals, then 2007 is about sticking together, through thick and thin.

When the sun shines we’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath I'mma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella

Hobbies of the Year – Tennis & videoke
I can't choose between the two, haha! Both hobbies have been the constant activity of choice when it comes to unwinding for most part of the year.

Movies of the Year – Transformers & One More Chance
Two very related movies, huh? Haha! I watched Transformers in the cinemas twice for obvious reasons – I’ve been quite a fan when I was a child and it was a great action movie. Meanwhile, I watched One More Chance thrice. I only meant to watch it twice, but I gave in to my orgmates prodding for the third time in the condition that they will subsidize my ticket. But of course, it’s also because the movie was painfully entertaining, hehe!

TV Series of the Year – Brothers & Sisters
What can I say, sarcastically witty family drama is my thing. Runner-ups would be Gossip Girl and Ugly Betty.

Chocolate of the Year – Truffles! Specifically the new Hershey’s Truffles and Lindt Lindor! My gard! The heavenly chocolatey goodness just explodes in my mouth! Haha!

Overall, 2007 wasn’t a good year for me, but I have many reasons to hope that things will get better this 2008. It’s the Year of the Rat after all! Hehe! In this light, let me end this last one award..

Lesson of the Year – If there's a will, there's a way. Coming up with excuses all the time betrays the truth behind our actions, or lack thereof. (And this is my friendly, unsolicited advice to you, Albania Panama Canada and Jordan Venezuela Croatia (^^,)).

A Birthday Letter

Dear Jesus,

First of all, hey, hey, hey, Heyppy berthdey! (a la Eugene Domingo in Ang Cute Ng Ina Mo).

Sooo, how was Your birthday? This is like Your 2040^th birthday right? Nevertheless, I hope You had a great day. Because I sure as hell had a great time on Your birthday.

Before, I used to didn’t like that my birthday is so close to Yours, because more often, my birthday and Christmas gifts were like a 2-in-1 package. But of course, now that I am older and know better, (and most especially this year in particular), I am so lucky that my birthday served as a kick-off party to this year’s celebration of Your special day. Since my birthday, things have always been on the up-side. And now that Your actual birthday is over, the fun things doesn’t seem to be simmering down. So, thank You so much for that.

Since I have already determined my Christmas wish weeks ago, allow me to just thank You for a lot of things.

Let’s start with my Christmas ‘loot bag’. Like I said in my Christmas post, I have more new clothes than I actually need. I know that weeks ago, I told You that I am not really that excited about doing some Christmas shopping for myself. I mean, if I used to consider it of utmost importance to have some new clothes to wear for Christmas, I am happy to tell You – not anymore. But when my orgmates and I went window shopping last week, I just couldn’t resist. The purple top just kept calling my name from its sorry rack, even when I tried to ignore it, haha!

Then of course, there are the chocolates and other sumptuous food treats! Gosh, I never thought there will come to a point in my life where slowing down on eating chocolates even if there’s lots in the ref will arrive. I am not sure if whether it’s because of the enormous amount of chocolate intake, my system kinda undergone a withdrawal syndrom or, I finally learned to control myself (meaning, another sign na nag-mature na ako!). Well, I sure hope it’s the latter, haha!

As for the Filipino tradition of Noche Buena, well, Noche Buena kung Noche Buena! Whereas before, my best participation in the preparation is helping out with the desserts like fruit salad, leche flan or ale ube, well, this year, I prepared a main course! Whoa! *Alleluia please* It is my first time and with the help of internet instructions and a quick question from my chef-friend Jigs, I was able to cook Alfredo sauce, all by myself. So while my sister went out for some last-minute shopping and my Mom and Dad were having a pedicure/manicure at the terrace, I was busy whipping cheese, milk and cream over the stove. My Dad was very skeptic of my culinary intuition and skills, but imagine the look of victory and vindication on my eyes when he finally tasted it and loudly admitted – “Ba Rex, kalinamnam na ning gewa mo!” Haha! My garlic bread turned out to be the biggest hit, as far as my nephew Justin is concerned. Even though I just kind of quickly carelessly tossed the bread in the pan with melted butter and garlic powder, for him the triangular piece of garlic bread was so good, he sandwiched it between two more slices of bread. (Oo, mga kaibigan, ginawa niyang palaman ang garlic bread!) It sure felt more fulfilling to share a feast with your loved ones when you know they’re enjoying something that you prepared yourself.

The Christmas Eve Mass wasn’t so bad either. The priest who delivered the homily was kinda corny, haha! But nevertheless, it was strangely amusing to see old neighbors – as in the ones you only get to see at Church once or twice a year, Christmas and Easter.

Then there came Your birthday itself, Christmas Day. Now You do know, this is a day I sort of dreaded because it is the one day in a year where relatives would keep pestering me with acads-related questions like “Eka pa magobra (Aren’t you working already)?” or “Kapilan ka mag-graduate kanyan (When will you be graduating)?” And my, this is the bad year to be asked that question! Lord, I know I am not supposed to care what other people think, especially relatives whom I only see during the holidays. I am sure, they only ask such questions just for small talk, because we don’t really have something interesting to talk about. But I hate to have to explain EVERYTHING so I won't, but by not doing so, they would certainly think of the usual cliché reason why a person is unable to graduate.

So how did it go then? Well, despite my efforts to maintain a low-profile key and hoping my nephews’ antics will steal the limelight from everyone else in the room, I was still able to get a total of four graudation-themed questions. Hmm, maybe wearing the visually attractive purple top I bought at Landmark was such a bad idea for a Christmas attire after all, hehe! Good thing though, the excruciating moments of having to answer “No” passed by quickly enough and I was able to go back to obscurity in no time at all. More luckily, only one uncle dared to ask why for yet another reason for the marching delay (with his wife commenting, (“Baka nag-loko siya”). And my Mom came to my rescue. Whew!

On the up-side (gee, this season, there is ALWAYS an up-side, haha!), despite my age and due to my non-working status, I was still able to receive P800 worth of aginaldo, haha! Again, thank You for that. Well, thank You as well for the thoughtfulness of my two nephews, Jasper and Justin who, at the start of the day, took pity in me and gave me P200 and P100 respectively, dahil “nakakaawa ako, walang nambibigay sa akin”. Haha! So that would’ve brought my total to P1100. But of course, I returned Justin’s P100 to my sister and just told Jasper to treat me to Starbucks (of the 3 brothers, he had the biggest total, that’s why he’s feeling so generous).

Then came the bonus news! My org will have another gift-giving shindig on the 29^th, so I will have a chance to do something fulfilling after all, yey!

So that’s just about it – all that happened to me on Your birthday, Jesus. It was Your special day, not mine, but I definitely shared in all the fun.

I feel so blessed this Christmas that, during our way home, my heart broke as we passed by an old lola, in the middle of the highway, stopping the cars and asking for some alms. By the time I recovered from the aching shock, she was already a hundred meters away, being escorted out of the highway by a policeman. If there’s something I don’t understand, it is why can't all people just be happy on Your birthday. But of course, Your party on earth just doesn’t work that way. I just hope that when I joined my orgmates in a gift-giving activity to the less fortunate, in some way, somehow, I am able to pay my blessings forward to those who lack even the most basic resources of Christmas spirit.

Well, this is all for now. I will try to write another letter come New Year’s. For sure, I have a year’s worth of stuff to talk about, haha!

Again, happy, happy birthday! Thank You so much for allowing me and my family and loved ones to merrily celebrate Your day with You.

With much love and gratitude,
Rex

PS. Please don’t take back the fun times too soon, too fast. I sure know, by the law of gravity, what comes up, must come down. I wish that whatever big problem I will soon face, the memory of this fun month will help me weather it. I realize for certain that big problems are inevitable, and that the world will just make one after the other, momentarily pausing to at least let us savor our victory after each problem. And it’s not like the happiness I have right now is already at its peak for my life that I am so ready to die, haha! Not yet, please, not just yet.

Which feels worse?

To feel worthless, without a purpose? Or to be a huge failure when you try to be significant? You tried and tried, but you just died..

To be so all alone? Or to just want to be left all alone? Even if you don't really want to be alone..

To be surrounded by a lot of people and still feel lonely because not one of them really cares? Or to be surrounded by people who seem to care, but to not really feel that they do? They only act so caring when they need something from you..

To be under-appreciated? Or to get used to being under-appreciated? Even if it gets more tiring and tiring each day..

To know that you cannot help a friend? Or to realize that in doing so, you forget to help yourself? There's only so much you can put your mind into..

To know fully well that someone dear to you has changed? Or to see that someone dear to you pretend that he has not changed? He even has the impudence to pretend that he still cares..

To not know what to do? Or to know what to do after all, but it's not really what you want? Heck, you're not even sure of what you really want..

To perpetually pray, hope and wish for that one special thing that may never come? Or to finally realize that it really isn't meant for you? Who knows, maybe you don't really deserve it..

To feel that you don't deserve to get anything? Or to discover that indeed, you don't deserve anything? Because it looks like you're not going to get anything..

To be a parent and see your child in great pain? Or to be the child who knows you have caused your parents a great pain? I mean, seriously, who cries the most tears at night?

BFF

“Sinong bestfriend mo doon?”
“Syempre, ikaw lang!”

Saang commercial na nga kasi galing tong sikat na dialogue na ito? Ewan, ice cream yata yun.

Pero kung ako ang tatanungin, hindi ko alam ang isasagot ko, haha!

Sa aking St Scho days (Kinder to Grade 2), dalawang tao lang ang naalala kong naging matalik kong kaibigan. Pero sa pagkaka-alala ko, hindi kami nagtawagan ng bestfriend o kung anu pa mang kadramahan. Hindi ako naging maswerte na magkaroon ng pirming kalaro o kaibigan sa school.

Sa elementary DBA days ko naman, mayroon akong 3 maituturing na barkada at mangilan-ilan pang kaibigan. Pero wala pa rin akong best friend. Sa high school, ganoon din. May ‘main’ barkada ako, at marami pang kaibigan pero wala rin akong ‘best friend’. Apat kami sa barkada – ako, si Dennis, Tots at Gamby, pero mas close sina Tots at Gamby. Malamang silang dalawa ang mag-bestfriend, mas una silang naging close eh. So by Pauli’s Exclusion Principle, kami ni Dennis ang partners-in-crime? Haha! Hindi siguro!

Mas madami akong friends sa college kaysa high school. Naturalmente, mas madami kang makikilala sa college eh. O pwede rin na dahil nag-improve na ang ugali ko at nabawas na kahit papaano ang kasupladuhan ko, hehe! Pero syempre, may iilan din akong mga nakilala noong high school na nanatiling matalik kong kaibigan hanggang ngayon (pimping Jigs & James, hehe!).

Palibahasa, mas madalas kong maka-bonding ang mga college friends ko, kaya’t sa tingin ko mas kilala nila ako. Pati mga baho ko sa pang-araw-araw na buhay, alam nila, haha! Pero ngayon, ang mga dating kuya at ate ko, wala na. Nakapag-move on na sila sa mga kani-kanilang careers at ako lang ang natitira pa sa UP. Haha! Kaya ngayon, ako ang kuya ng lahat. Halos singkwenta rin ang mga nakababatang kapatid ko ha.

Hindi talaga ako mahilig mag-bestfriend. Para sa akin kasi, kung kaibigan ko ang isang tao, kaibigan ko siya. Wala nang discrimination kung best friend ko siya o hindi. Basta ang issue sa akin ay ang kung gaano kami ka-close o kung gaano na kalalim ang pinagsamahan at ang pagtititwala namin sa isa’t isa. Ayoko ko kasi yung ituturing kong bestfriend ang isang tao tapos syempre, mag-eexpect ako na ako din ang bestfriend niya. Eh paano kung hindi? Ala ngan namang sabihan ko pa siya ng kakornihan na, “Wuy, magmula ngayon, tayo na ang mag-bestfriend ha?” Kulang na lang eh sabihin ko na, “Oh paano, tayo na ba?” Diba? Haha!

Sa loob ng dalampu’t dalawang taon ko sa mundo, marami-rami na rin akong nakilalang tao. Yung ilan, naging kaaway ko, pero mas marami, naging kaibigan ko. Mayroon din na akala ko kaibgan ko, hindi pala. Ginamit (at ginagamit) lang pala ako.. (May ganoon? Haha!). May iilang maswerte na nakilala ko nang husto at naging importanteng bahagi ng buhay ko. Naks, anlalim.

Wala akong bestfriend, pero mayroon akong tinatawag na 'friends for different occasions'. Ewan ko lang sa inyo ha, pero ako, marami akong hilig o trip sa buhay. At hindi lahat nun related. Mayroon akong fine-dining friends (Jigs & James, kayo to, haha!), videoke friends (Garahe pips!), Starbucks friends (groupmates!), Aguman friends, muni-munihan friends, high school friends, tennis friends, volleyball friends, online friends, EEE friends at marami pang iba! Syempre, hindi naman ako close sa lahat ng mga to, pero ayokong line-labelan kung sino ang mas importante. Kanya-kanya naman silang papel sa buhay.

Isa pa, ang kaibigan para sa akin, parang kapatid lang. Palibhasa kasundong-kasundo ko ang kaisa-isang kapatid ko, kaya ganoon ang tingin ko sa mga barkada’t kaibigan ko – na ang tanging kaibahan lang ay hindi mo kasama sa bahay ang mga kaibigan mo.

Hindi naman sa pagbubuhat ng bangko (at malayang kumontra ang mga real-life friends ko na magbabasa nito, haha!), pero seryoso akong kaibigan. As much as possible, hangga’t kaya ko, nandoon ako para sa kanila. Pero hindi ako naghahanap ng direktang kabayaran o kapalit. Kuntento na ako na kapag ako naman ang nangailangan ng tulong, maasahan ko sila. Ganon naman talaga sa buhay diba? Give and take... Hindi naman pwede na take ka lang nang take. Yung tipong mabait ka lang kung may kailangan ka.

Pero ako, kahit simpleng appreciation lang, okay na. Pero importante sa akin ang utang na loob, dahil yung mga taong wala nito ang mga nakakasakitan ko ng loob. Pero sabi nga ni Ali Sotto sa interview niya sa Startalk, “If you did it out of love, you won’t regret what you did for them..” And yes, that is tantamount to saying that I do love my friends… like I’ve said, like my very own brothers and sisters. And hey, even siblings fight, right?

Pero, having said that, hindi pa rin ako mahilig sa labelling tulad ng pagtawag sa isang tao ng ‘bestfriend’. Hindi rin ako trying hard maging cool na bibigyan ko pa ng official name ang barkada ko. Ang superficial kasi ng dating eh – may pangalan nga, walang kwenta naman ang mga pinagsamahan. (Or maybe, akala lang nila, napaka-cool nilang people na kailangan pa nila ng ‘name’?) Gayunpaman, sinasabi ko sa mga friends ko na mahal ko sila, na importante sila sa akin, at proud ako sa mga pinagsamahan namin – pero tuwing birthdays lang nila noh, haha! Besides, actions speak louder than words. You don’t have to announce to the world all the time na friends kayo. You just act like real friends that you really are, without much fanfare.

Basta’t marami akong totoong kaibigan, keber kung sino ang best at kung ano ang tawag ko sa kanila, diba? Kailangan ba may best? Kailangan ba may pangalan? Eh bakit, magpapa-recognize ba kami sa Office of Student Activities? Hindi naman diba? Haha!

What makes mature people?

Is it their age?

Nah, I don’t think so – at least not entirely. I’m sure you have at least one friend or you know someone who thinks beyond their years. And I am not talking about accelerated geniuses like Mikaela Fudolig. (In case you haven’t heard her, she graduated summa cum laude with an average of 1.099 at age 16 last March at UP Diliman and is currently a Physics instructor at UP Diliman as well – yes, teaching students who are at least one year older than she, hehe!). Being a ‘smart aleck’ either is different from being ‘matured’. As for me, well, I’m 22. Relative to the average college student, I guess it’s safe to say I’m matured. I mean, come on! Can’t seven years of college instill some maturity in you? Hehe!

Is it their degree of independence?

In a way, I guess. But I think the more appropriate term for this is that pwede ka nang mag-asawa. I can’t cook a proper meal. Yes, I can fry hotdogs, eggs (whether it be a sunny-side-up or an omelet), bacon. I can whip up a special ‘fried rice’, a creamy dish of garlic potatoes. And I can cook rice the old fashion way – without the help of a rice cooker. But when it comes to ‘real’ food like sinigang, adobo, nilaga, etc. Ha! My family would die of kidney failure or UTI, if not starvation. As for ‘maintaining a house’, I guess I’m pretty okay. Living in an apartment in college has been a good training ground for me.

Is it with the amount of responsibility?

Well, definitely not only with the amount of responsibility but with how well they are carried out. Having responsibility and being responsible are two different scenarios. But I suppose one won’t get more responsibility if one is less accountable and dependable.

Is it with their experience?

I think more than anything, experience is certainly a gauge of maturity. The more you experience, the more things you learn, right? And the more things you learn, the better you are with ‘life’, right? But I’ve read somewhere that mature people don’t go pronouncing that they are matured. I guess humility also comes with the matured territory.

Am I matured then? I modestly admit I’m not. (My answer was not influenced by the last two sentences in the previous paragraph, hehe! Yes, all matured people are humble about their maturity but not all who are humble with their maturity are actually matured. Who knows, they really are not matured, hehe!) I have so much in life that I have yet to learn. Life is a continuous and constant learning process.

I’ve heard in Desperate Housewives that inside each of us is an everyday battle between good and evil. Quite, true right? But I feel it’s more like a raging battle between the child and the emerging adult in us. Maturity is a great deal of effort! There are times when I want to do something impulsive and more often than not, it’s something stupid or childish. But when I rethink my actions, I realize that such actions are not at all for the matured. You remember how when you were a kid, you are always told that you cannot always have what you want? That still very much applies until you get older! Maybe not in terms of buying which toys or eating out. But when it comes to your everyday actions or decisions, there is a constant dilemma of choosing between what you want and what is proper. It becomes more complicated – there are times when personal satisfaction is justified and when sacrifice and consideration for others is warranted. Knowing when is when, I think, is the challenge. I suppose when you always give in to your inner child, that’s when they say tumatanda ka nang paurong.

More complicated than a worded Math problem*

We Filipinos are naturally chismoso. I wonder if being backstabbers automatically goes with the territory.

Have you ever been in a situation wherein you know that some of your friends talk about a common friend in a bad light? For example, you, Person A, B and C are all (supposedly) good friends. But one time while you, A & B were chatting, A & B mentioned C’s occasional attitude problem. Say you don’t necessarily share their opinion. I mean, now that A & B has mentioned it, you do agree that C deso exhibit the attitude problem sometimes. But at the end of day, to you it’s not much of a deal – that C’s rare annoying moments aren’t enough to actually label C as having that attitude problem. But to A & B, it’s an entirely different story. To them, C is really like that and it came to a point that it sort of affected their relationship. Would you consider A & B as backstabbers? What if A & B only ‘bash’ C’s attitude problem in private? I mean, while A & B share this secret annoyance of C, they don’t necessarily tell D, E or F that C is like this or like that. I think I’d rather use the word ‘feigning’. Backstabbing for me is if A & B would tell everyone about C’s attitude problem and turn them against C. Hmmm, my illustration is teeming with details, haha! Go figure.

I’ve had two C’s in my life. I was (and still am, actually) good friends with both. While the other letters generally agreed with their sentiments on C1 and C2, I didn’t necessarily share their impassioned annoyance. Like I said in the illustration, I did notice C1 and C2’s flaws as people, I just didn’t grow to dislike them.

Maybe it’s because I was really good friends with C1 and C2 to begin with. I first knew them because of the more positive aspects of their character, and when I began to realize their major flaws, I still accepted them for what they are. That’s what real friends do, right? But in the times when the general opinion was that C1 & C2 were really ‘annoying’ and I still didn’t share the aversion, I began to wonder if it was because I was like C1 and C2 myself. Birds of the same feather, make up the same feather duster, right? Hehe!

Now, I think I have a C3 situation. The only difference now is I actually share the general opinion of loathe – even if I used to be understanding and defensive of C3 myself. So yes, it’s safe to assume that my relationship with C3 has been strained lately. Heck, I am not sure if C3 is aware or if C3 even cares. How bad is it? Well, consider the fact that even I – a person of tremendous patience and understanding when it comes to these things – gave up on C3. That’s how bad it is.

So does that make me and the other letters backstabbers? In a way I guess – given the fact that we talk about C3’s flaws quite openly though not necessarily to all the other letters. Plus, we don’t really encourage the rest of the letters to turn against C3.

Often, I ponder whose fault it is. It’s easy to blame it all on C3. I mean, C3 is the one with the attitude problem. And if all the other letters agree (even the similarly patient and understanding letters), it means that C3 is really the one with the problem, right? But no, the actual situation is more complicated than that. And I humbly take my part of the blame. I haven’t been warm to C3 myself, but it's only in response to the kind of treatment I get.

If you were in a C situation, would you rather have someone tell you so that you can do something about it?

I abhor harboring feelings of secret disgust over people I’m supposed to be good friends with. I actually have this mini cold war going on with C3 but I don’t think C3 has noticed. And until I figure out what to do, I just can’t feign the warmth of good ol’ friendship. It can be argued that what I am doing is backstabbing but I am definitely no faker.

When I say I'm a friend, I always mean every word.. til the end. Until you tell me to back off.

*Thanks again to Jigs for the title. Sabi niya sa akin when I asked him to improve my title, "OMG! What's wrong with you?! Alam mo, I also didn't like your title for the transformer post" Haha!

Rrregret

If I were to put the old me back in high school and the current me (still) in college, I would think that they are two different people. When I look back at what happened all these years, I am overwhelmed by the realization that I've been through a lot. Well, don't we all say that, right? But no. This isn't one of those self-serving emo posts. Well, this may border on the emo side, but this is definitely not self-serving. Neither is this an attempt to hide the ugly consequences of my various missteps and glorify the lessons I supposedly learn. Wala lang, gusto ko lang talagang mag-comment sa sarili kong buhay, hehe.

You know the cliché question on talk shows or even beauty pageants that inquires what part of your life you would want to change. And then the guests or the contestants would finish it off with the corresponding cliché answer. "I wouldn't change anything because all my experiences helped me to be the better person that I am now." Well, the cliché answer is a cliché for a reason. But what if, you're not necessarily a better person after all those mistakes and experiences?

I, for one, deeply regret a few things in my past (most of which are lumped the past 2 years). If I were asked the cliché question, my answer would definitely be not the cliché answer. I guess I still haven't reached the point where I realize the purpose of those mistakes and experiences. Oh yes, I definitely learned a valuable lesson or two from them. And geez, I had to learn some of them over and over and over again. I already let go of whatever anger I suffered. But I haven't recovered either. For countless times, I can't help but question whether I deserved it or not. As expected, the answer remains elusive.

But life goes on. Another cliché, eh? But it does. Even if we don't want it to, haha! The world will not cease to revolve and rotate just for my heartaches. (Wushu.. andrama!). The least I could do is try my best to keep up.

"Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's only for wallowing in." ~Katherine Mansfield

Would I be forgiven if I can't help it? Besides, this regret that I have only serves to remind me of the things that could go soooo wrong when I don't get a hold of what true and what's important.

On the bright side, I survived, didn't I? I haven't recovered yet, but I am still 'alive and kicking' and I am getting there. I only have utmost gratitude for the things and people that helped (and are still doing so) me get there. Mahirap nang mawalan ng utang na loob. Baka pulutin ako sa kangkungan, haha!

PS. Sorry for a mushy post as a comeback from my hiatus. Yan ang naidudulot ng pag-uupdate ng alas-4 ng umaga! Haha!

Playing big brother

When I stepped into college and I was forced to live semi-independently, it wasn't much of a problem for me. For starters, I have been semi-independent since my mom joined my dad in Bahrain back in second year high school. Second, I have one of my high school barkada for a roommate in a boarding house. Therefore, the adjustment period and possible bouts of homesickness weren't a problem either. Lastly, even when I transferred to an apartment more than a year after, I still had my orgmates / housemates who served as my older brothers and sisters away from home. So yeah, living in the city has been pretty convenient for me.

Living in an apartment in college, for me, is better than living in a boarding house or a campus dorm. Of course the latter options do have perks.

For example, in a boarding house, you don't have to do the cleaning of the house or the room. If you're lucky, your landlady would even cook meals for her boarders. But alas, there's the curfew, haha! Not that I stay up late outside -- but on the few times I do get out to unwind, I don't want a curfew to impede from from maximizing the night's fun.

Campus dorms' location is one of their best advantages. The nearer you are to your classes, the better, right? But in many cases (like mine), the closer I am to the building, the greater chance for me to oversleep and be late, haha! Plus, there's the communal bathroom. I don't want to have to queue up to take a bath. But in the end, when the cost is 10x smaller than an apartment or a boarding house, yes, a dorm is the best option. Haha!

But having said all of these, apartment is still the best option for me. For a number of reasons. Let's start with the shallow and obvious ones.

*There is no curfew
*You can bring as many appliances as you want
*You can arrange or decorate your unit to your liking
*You can bring your girlfriends or boyfriends with you, inside the house
*You can do anything you want! (Well, of course, unless you live alone, you'd have to be considerate of your housemates' living quirks)

But for deeper and more personal reasons, apartment is the best option for me because simply, it's the closest thing I have for a home. There are many useful things you can learn when you live in an apartment. What are they you may ask.

First, you learn to be more responsible. Why? There are bills to pay. There are dishes to be washed. There's a bathroom to be cleaned. There's a room to be cleaned. There are clothes to be washed. See? Would you learn to do this these things if you lived somewhere else? Well, you probably have no ambitions to be a nanny, so yes, technically, you don't really have to learn these things, especially if you're a spoiled rich kid.

It gets more complicated though when you are the most senior of your housemates. By default, you are looking out for your kids.

When I first settled in my current apartment (which I will refer to as 34G, after its unit number), I was the youngest, the bunso of 34G. My older orgmates / housemates served as my kuyas and ates. I relied on them a lot but they happily looked out for me, teaching me to do a lot of things on my own in the process. I was happily secured with the setup. There was an unspoken 34G hierarchy, and the higher you are at the hierarchy, the more responsibilities you had as a housemate. There came a time when I found myself at the top that hierarchy, mainly due to the natural order of things. The older housemates, my kuyas and ates, had to move on with their lives and move out of 34G.

When the older housemates were still around, I was grateful to them but I never understood the gravity of their responsibilities. But I appreciate them more, now that they are gone. Yes, the different cleaning chores and household tasks are equally divided among us housemates, but being the 'big brother' entailed a lot more. Many times, you would have to be the 'landlord' as well, haha! I never realized that indeed, living in an apartment is pretty much like living on your own already. To stretch it even furthur, it's also like having a family of your own. You're not only in charge of the house but of the inhabitants as well. There's this unwritten task of teaching the younger ones to be more responsible as housemates and as individuals.

Many times, I felt like I am not up for the job. My former kuyas were so good, I feel like I can't live up to the high standards they've set. I feel like I can't take care of my own set of 'kids' now the way my former kuyas took care of us before. In fact, there are even times when I'm the one who 'needs to be taken care of', but alas, I only have me to look out for me.

But at the end of they, there are lessons to be learned, and I am relieved to have learned them well. Patience, indeed, is a virtue. Practicing a little more understanding can save you a lot of headaches. And that, 'kids' will be 'kids' after all. I should know better, I was a 'kid' myself before. A very needy spoiled 'kid' at that, haha!

Living in an apartment is virtually a training for the stage life wherein you're truly and fully independent. Yes, cleaning and tinkering with house stuff may seem minor problems. But in reality, they play a bigger part in making life easier and better -- in making your place a true home. You don't believe me? Ask your Moms.

10 kinds of sadness

Look up 'saddened' in your favorite thesaurus and you will find up to 20 synonyms. They all mean the same negative feeling, albeit in varying degrees and in varying situations. More so, sadness is also relative, which is something I learned when I read a blog post of complaints a few days ago. Add the factor that some of us are 'stronger' such that what may be distressing for us may not be so for them.

So out of the many synonyms of 'saddened', here's my personal perspective of 10 of them.

PEEVED is when you get upset after you argue with a person who just won't listen because of all his close-minded bull.

AFFLICTED is when you can't sleep even if you badly want to, especially when you start becoming ill. That's why usually, there's actual physical pain.

DISTURBED is when you know you only wanted to do the right thing but you know that in the process, you'll most probably incur a friend's wrath.

PAINED is when you remember the good ol'times with the people you once considered very good friends. But somewhere along the way, acts of selfishness or betrayal severed your deep ties with them. Nagging questions like 'what happened?' will always bring a tinge of pain. You are also pained when you realize that the person you once greatly looked up to has become a big time jerk. You feel betrayed though technically, hindi naman ikaw ang tinarantado niya. You don't know whether your 'idol' was just fooled into the dark side or worse, he was just pretending to be on the good side all along. Yun! Ganun na ganun ang 'pained'. Okay, I will stop now. Hehe!

DEPRESSED is when you just feel sad and alone, despite your gazillion friends. You feel like nobody cares, that no one listens to your 'cries' of help.

DISCOMBOBULATED is the word I use in a conversation when I want to be sarcastic or when I want to show off my vocabulary skills, haha! Ang hindi nila alam, memoryado ko lang talaga yung word, haha!

DISPIRITED is what comes to mind when I hear Carrie Underwood's Jesus Take The Wheel, especially the part where you're 'running low on faith and gasoline..' I usually feel this after make-or-break exams wherein I try to convince myself that I will still pass despite not having been able to answer 2 out of 3 problems.

DISTRAUGHT is when you've already done your best and your fate is not anymore in your hands but other people's. You're worried because you don't feel secure that things will go your way.

DEVASTATED is when something extremely tragic has happened. Like for example, if you get permanently expelled from school because you've already been previously dismissed 4 times already. Of course, a death of a beloved falls under the category of devastation.

WRETCHED is for me the aftermath of being devastated. When the dust due to the devastation settles, it is usually then when you start assessing your life. That's when you realize that everything is a mess. You don't know what to do. You are completely lost in your own life.

Of course, I don't really use these words in everyday life, haha! I had to use the dictionary to actually differentiate them. As you can see, all of them sound so negatively alike.

I realized that when we are in a low moment, we tend to have a biased view of what sadness is. We lose perspective and forget that at any given low point in our life, there exists at least one good thing to be happy about and thankful for. In moments when we feel so alone, we never actually are. More often than not, this 'I-am-so-alone' drama we have is primarily our fault anyway. Sometimes, we are just too shy, or worse, too proud to ask or accept well-meaning help from other people -- especially the more loyal and more dependable of our so-called friends.

Homey Sundays

Sundays are never my favorite day of the week. I know that in our calendars, it's supposed to be the first day of the week, since it falls on the first column before Monday, Tuesday and all other days of the week. But the truth is, Sundays for me bring an aura of sadness or gloom, like something good is about to end.

Although, Sunday per se isn't so bad. It's the perfect rest day -- the way it was intended to be anyway. My usual Sunday routine would mean waking up late, watching ASAP and The Buzz and going to Mass. And of course, doing the usual lazy stuff like surfing the Internet and watching more TV in between. Pretty bum, right?

But still, I kinda hate the feeling of dread. At the back of my mind, I know that the weekend is about to end. I know that by tomorrow, I would have to go back to Quezon City. I know that after today, it would take five days for me to see my noisy nephews again. Five days before I get to eat home-cooked meals instead of the usual stuff that our friendly 'silugan at Krus Na Ligas has to offer. Five days before I get to relax and forget about my academic woes.

On a deeper and more personal level, Sundays for me have come to signal that the time to 'face the world' is near. It's time to come out of my safety shell, and face what's outside -- its wonders and its cruelty altogether. It's time to stop stalling and do something. Something that more often than not is anything that would really matter -- probably even life changing. The time for downtime, for rest, for licking one's wounds is over. Life's everyday battle is to begin the next day all over again.

"I'm going to the place where love And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.." - Home by Daughtry

Sundays (or the entire weekend for that matter) are indeed, by tradition, for the family -- a day that should be spent at home. There's just no other place I'd want to be right now.

Anger Management

Someone dear to me did something to upset me this week. It's nothing serious really. It just so happened that he snapped back at me (which is kind of normal really, because we have this thing where we are almost always sarcastic to each other) at a not-so-good time. His retort was like a wick that fired up the devil in me. I never snapped back though. I told him in private that I was hurt so as not to create a scene.

I am not angered easily. It takes a lot before I am seriously pissed off by anything or anyone. Some consider it dangerous because holding up most of my negative emotions makes me a volcanic eruption waiting to happen. But for me, it's called patience. At least my own version of patience. Haha.

Like most people, I am pissed off with the usual stuff -- people who won't fall in line, heavy traffic, tardy colleagues, failed exams, jerks, etc. But unlike most people, one will seldom hear me whine about them. Because I hate whining. Whining is for the weak. It's crying over spilled milk. It is not going to make the situation any better, so why bother spreading the negativity verbally, right? In contrast, I'd rather laugh about it, come up with a witty or sarcastic (and hopefully funny) punchline or observation in order to circumvent the annoyance. But, just like ordinary people, I am only human and there's only so much I can handle.

So when I do get angry, it only means that I've reached my saturation point for that matter. Hell hath no fury than the king of chocolates scorned, hehe! The bad thing though is that usually, the things or people that get to affect me in such an immense manner are the very same things or people that are immensely dear to my heart as well. It's my waterloo. And during these times, instead of loud curses or public confrontations, I prefer to deal with it quietly because I don't want to say or do something that I will regret later on.

In one TV teaser for Maging Sino Ka Man, I heard these words from John Lloyd's character Eli: "Kung sino pa ang taong mahal mo, sila pa yung mahirap patawarin." I guess it's the computer engineer in me. There's a Tagalog term for it: nangungwenta. (Ewwww, ang corny ng connection, haha!)

I've had my fair share of anger mismanagements -- stupid things that I did out of fury, resentment and rage. Of course, I am not proud of them. If there's anything that I am admittedly guilty of, it's the fact that it's just because I cared. For if I didn't, I wouldn't deem it worthy of my time to risk doing or saying the stupidest things.

So, what happened between me and this friend who upset me recently? Well, nag-sorry naman siya, so I didn't have to be such a baby about it. It really wasn't a big deal, I just needed time to let the ash fall of my eruption subside. After that, I should be okay (and I was). Besides, hindi ko rin naman siya matitiis. It's another waterloo of mine. (",)

Status Quo

Change, as they always say, is inevitable. It is the only thing that's constant in this world -- so we might as well live with it. But what if the things that change are the things that we don't want to change?

'Forever' is a word we often attach to the many good things in our life. Take for example those who are in good romantic relationships. Those 'fools' who are deeply in love and are convinced that they've found 'the one' can relate to this. But alas, I for one know that some things that seem to be forever are, well, not that forever after all.

Sometimes changes happen for the better, sometimes for the worst. But don't you just hate it when change catches you off guard, when you realize that you were out of control? You never saw it coming, so naturally, you were never prepared. And there comes the pain attach to an unwelcome change. More often than not, it's an enormous pain at that.

What sucks more is that we can never really prepare ourselves for it. It's a whole lot like an earthquake, huh? It's natural, it's inevitable. But it has to happen, at least geologically speaking, despite the damage it may bring. But it's not like we can choose not to be attached to things, if only to save us the pain whenever we have to detach.

Many good things in life are indeed forever. It just sucks big time that we're never sure which one is among the many things we hold very dear.

Everyone's attitude problem

"We choose how we see people. When we want to like someone, we can be so tolerant. When we want to be irritated by people, we focus on their faults. It's not other people's behavior that determines how we feel about them -- it's our attitude.."
~ Anonymous

When I first received this forwarded text message, I can't help but agree. And feel guilty.

I felt a tinge of guilt because I realized that indeed, unconsciously but effectively, I can be very judgmental at times.

Barbara is running for USC Councilor at UP Diliman. I don't know her personally, but from what I have heard, she is a, erm, slutty. She supposedly jumps from one boyfriend to another. But then, surprises of surprises, as I was checking out the poster of her party, I read that she is the chairperson of a certain organization that advocates women's rights. I thought to myself, how can a supposedly slutty girl be a leader of a women's group? Such an irony, huh? And then it hit me. There I was, judging a girl that I never even talked to. My attitude towards her is completely based from what I have heard from other people. Which by the way, I’m not sure if not-so-flattering anecdotes of her are even 100% accurate. Anyway, enough about her.

When our emotions that spring from our attitude get the best of us, our judgment becomes clouded. It prevents us to see the bigger picture – the real picture.

It is a double-edged sword. When we love someone or are fond of someone, we tend to be more accommodating or more forgiving or more patient or nicer than necessary. Similarly, when you we're not so fond of someone, we tend to be the opposite of accommodating, forgiving, patient and nice.

More often than not, our attitude towards people is loosely based on our first impression of them. Our impression only changes once there is an opportunity to do so -- once we are given the chance to get to know the person better. Unfortunately, more often than not as well, because of our negative attitude towards certain people, we already shut out any possibility of knowing beyond our first impression. To think that many times as well, our first impression of these people is largely influenced by other people as well.

Going back to Barbara, sa palagay ko slut talaga siya. Kasi naman, sinong matinong babae ang nagpapatumbling ng isang manliligaw sa Megamall para ito’y sagutin niya? Tapos dahil hindi nagtumbling si manliligaw, iparirinig sa tambayan ng manliligaw na may bago na itong boyfriend. Oha? =p

UPDATE: Barbara lost. Bwahaha! Haay naku, ansama ko, hehe!

Blogs Galore! 16: One HelluValentine Week

Pardon the lame attempt at creativity with my title but believe when I say my Valentine Week was a balance of 'romance' and 'heartbreaks'.

First of all, I didn't have a 'romantic' date last February 14 simply because I don't have a girlfriend right now and neither am I currently wooing someone. So it's another 'single' Valentine for me. BUT, not that I am complaining -- the truth is I don't mind. I'm way past the I-hate-myself-for-being-single-yet-again-this-Valentine's stage for I believe in waiting in hope rather than in bitterness or despair. But being single didn't stop me from celebrating LOVE (albeit not the romantic kind) this week, in my own unattached way, hehe.

FEBRUARY 14

I was supposed to have a 'singles night-out' with some of my Aguman orgmates, but due to personal appointments -- one enjoyed the day at Enchanted Kingdom and was too tired to come with us; another one won our organizations' dating game so she had an automatic date; one was busy with exams the next day; another was busy drafting plates. So in short, our planned group date never pushed through. Instead, I had to contend with enjoying a Starbucks frappe on my own, hehe. Good thing though, Porshe and Paul (the dating game winners) followed me at Starbucks after their prize date. So Heart's Day wasn't so uneventful after all.

FEBRUARY 16

I had yet another bonding night with Porshe (Hmm, bakit laging siya ang kasama ko?! Haha! Wuy, completely Platonic to ah, Porshe belongs to someone else, harhar! =p). We ate at Pizza Hut and watched Music & Lyrics. It was an enjoyable and fitting movie to cap my Valentine's Week. It was neither too chick or saccharine. In my opinion, it was a matured love story -- a far cry from the crappy story arcs that Abt Ur Luv on ABS-CBN churns out. Besides, the soundtrack was suprisingly catchy, despite the 80s feel to most of the songs (Hugh Grant played a has-been popstar from the 80s). After that, we went to the last night of the UP Fair to meet up with Daphne (another orgmate), who was haplessly manning their henna tattoo and billiards booth.

THE BREAK-UP

And now, for the sad part. Two very very good friends of mine broke up. And this time, it seems like it's a permanent one and not just yet another cool-off. I can't help but feel more affected than I should because these two are really really close to my heart -- individually and as a couple. There was even a time when I was their official Third Wheel and each one of us didn't mind. I was a witness to the ups and downs of their everyday love story for much of their almost 5 years of being together. Likewise, they were also witnesses to my own botched love stories through the years, hehe. They provided comfort and support and not to mention the litanies of advices that helped me shape my hopeful stand on my seemingly eternal singlehood. I guess you could say that they were my role models when it comes to love -- being witness to what they had forged my conviction that despite numerous setbacks on my quest for 'the one', someday, somehow, I will still find her eventually. Such is the gravity of their influence on me. But alas, my romance role models are only human.

I am sure both of them will get to read this. You know who you are: eku man papakit, pero melungkut ku talaga. Pero pakanta siguru talaga. How I wish I could ease even just a bit of the pain that either of you are feeling right now. Especially ika Kuya, uling etana masyadu makapagkwentuhan lately (I don't even know your side of the story). Mapalyaring eku CNL o sobrang magastus ku for comfort para keka, but you can also count on me, sana balu mu ita..

On looking good (or not)

Do I think I'm good-looking? Hell no, haha!

My sister Ate Joi is quite a looker, despite her actual age and the number of kids that has popped out of her Bataan. And given that I have parents who are good-looking as well, one can safely assume that I should be good-looking as well, right? But, like I've said above, I don't think so. I would always joke that when my sister was conceived, she sucked all the good-looking genes my parents' sperm and egg could muster, and left not much for me. Instead she didn't take all her rightful share of the intelligent genes so when it was my turn on Mama's womb, there was more than enough IQ genes for me to feast on. So in a nutshell, Ate Joi's the pretty one, and I am the intelligent one. (Side comment: looks like she saved up the intelligent genes for her first born for Jasper, my eldest nephew, is quite a Math genius). But it's not like I feel like I'm ugly either. I am, in my humble opinion, erm, presentable. Haha!

There was a time when I was willing to let go of a certain amount of IQ points in exchange for some extra, erm, pogi points, hehe! I wanted to enter a room full of people and know that all eyes, straight and not, are drooling over me. I wanted to be the guy whose mere presence makes hearts skip a beat. I wanted to be the reason why my classmates would come to our 7am class. I wanted to be the favorite groupmate, because the view I provide is enough stress relief during cramming hours. And most of all, I wanted to be the one to take her breath away. Wushuuu. ^_^

I mean, come on, admit it, our society puts premium on good looks. People treat you well by default when you have it. (Unless you show your true and dark colors, of course). You're always a winner when it comes to first impressions. Good looks introduce a certain bias on how we perceive other people, whether we admit it or not.

My self-pity moments on my lack of supermodel looks most often resurfaces, unfortunately, when I'm afflicted with the crazy little thing called love, hehe! Because time and again, I have always lost to the better-looking guy. Apparently, my common features don't ignite sparks, hehe!

But eventually I realized, I don't have to feel bad about myself if my chances of being the next top model is zilch. For if there's something I am very confident at, I know I have more to offer as a person than your typical campus hottie. Looks maybe what's most important to the superficial ones. But hey, who cares about these people, if they fail -- or worse, refuse -- to see beyond the pretty face (or lack of it), then they're not the kind of people you'd want to be your friend, or even a partner. =p

And I just hate the fact that I am not photogenic at all! I almost always fail to capture the best my humble face has to offer. So as a disclaimer to the 50+ pics on my flickr badge: nakow, yung lang talaga kinaya ng mukha ko, pagbigyan niyo na ako, haha! =p

Top 10 Lessons Learned for 2006

2006 is the best and worst year of my life. Worst -- because really, the worst things happened to me in all aspects of my life. Betrayals, failures, failures and more failures. But, having said that, best -- because indeed, there's the calm after each storm.

Each year in our lives is rich in all kinds of experiences that will always teach us a lesson or two. For the year that is about to end, here's what I feel are the most valuable lessons I have learned. Some lessons I learned from what people around me went through. Some I had to learn myself for the first time. While some, I guess I had to re-learn them time and time again. =p

*The list is in alphabetical order. Half are positively-worded, half are not. The phrasing isn't entirely mine -- some I derived from websites, some I received from forwarded text messages.

1. On betrayal..
Even best friends are capable of duplicity (Smallville). Sadly, it's human nature they say. And as a corollary, not everyone on your set of so-called friends are true. Believe me, some people are that good at feigning, pretending and lying -- until you see their true colors.

2. On chances..
Everyone deserves a second chance. (And in my case, even a third, hehe!) But it will always be a case-to-case basis. Some things just won't never, ever change for the better.

3. On faith..
Pray and pray until you die. Literally. Why? Well, don't you feel in times of extreme desperation that you just want to die, to just disappear off the face of the earth because you feel you can't handle it all anymore? Well, just pray. In times of extreme desperations, in times when you don't know what to do anymore, all you can do is have faith -- pray. Pray for strength, for hope, for answers, for wisdom, for patience, for His grace.

4. On forgiveness..
Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong, for the weak can never forgive (Mahatma Gandhi). To do so takes a lot, especially for wrongs that cause pain that's deeply ingrained. The whole lot harder it is when you didn't deserve the wrong that has been done to you, right? But again, it takes a strong sense of what is right. To forgive is what is right. To make it a little easier, forgive others for the sake of yourself. You don't need to carry the heavy burden of anger and resentment for the rest of your life.

5. On losing..
We always knew what we had, we just never thought we would lose it. It's "we don't know what we have until we lose it" in a different and better light. Cherish the things that truly matter.

6. On love..
Love is supposed to make you happy, not stupid. Jennifer Love Hewitt knew better when she sang that 'love will show you everything'. But Dr. Cristina Yang hit the home run when she retorted to a disillusioned patient that 'love has its limits'.

7. On resentment..
Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die (Cindy Clabough). The quote says it all. =)

8. On revenge..
The only people to get even with are those who have helped you. The world would be a much much better place if this kind of revenge is what happens all the time. It's comforting to know that while SOME of your so-called friends aren't true, the rest of them are. For the the support system they provide, I am deeply grateful.

9. On time..
Time is all that anyone needs (Grey's Anatomy). Time flies. Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us wants is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go. And lastly, the time to do what must be done.

10. On truth..
The worst about being lied to is knowing you weren’t worth the truth. Sometimes the straightforward truth can save you the pain brought about by a coward lie.

Make the most of the rest of your 2006, everyone! ^-^

And all the things that break you
All the things that make you strong
You can't change the past because it's gone
And you just gotta move on
Because it's all lessons learned.
From every tear that had to fall from my eyes
From everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night
From every change life has thrown me
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart
I'm grateful, for every scar
Some pages turned, some bridges burned
But there were lessons learned.
-- Carrie Underwood - Lessons Learned

Whatch your Chrishmash wirsh?

This phrase is so famous these days, isn't it? And for some reason, all the cute kids I see all seem to named Andres, hehe!

So Wekshie, whatch your Chrishmash wirsh?

For myself: Focus -- on the right things, on the right magnitude. It's just that when I am all ready to devote my time on some important matter at hand, fate has a funny way of messing everything up, hehe, distracting me with, uhm, let's just say 'trivial' stuff.

For my Ate Joi: that she find what she's looking for. Naks! (She reads my blog so I know she'll see this). I know she has dreams that's been on hold when she started her family about 8 years ago. I pray that she gets the chance, that it's not too late to chase these dreams. Ganoon na rin kay Kuya Dennis, hehe.

For my parents: that they enjoy their vacation here in the Philippines, hehe. With my 3 little nephews' antics, I have no doubt they won't enjoy themselves.

For my country (and its people na rin siguro): (Naks! May ganito talaga? Wuy, seryoso to guys, hehe) that incompetent leadership, misguided principles, poverty and natural disasters stop raping and tearing her into pieces. (Aaaaa, nalulunod ako sa lalim, haha!)

For my friends: Hmm, hindi ko an siguro ilalagay dito. Kasi hindi niyo naman sila kilala, hindi niyo rin mage-gets ang mga hirit ko sa kanila. Wirsh ko na lang in general for them, is that we would all still be friends when we're way way older.

Two days to go before Christmas, I am lucky to so blessed. I have a Mommy, a Daddy and a whole lot more, what more could I wish for?! Hehe! But seriously -- I DON'T HAVE EVERYTHING, but with what I have, I can't complain at all. How I wish I did had everything, just so I can give the excess to everyone else. And mind you, I know a lot of people who are in need.

21 + 1 = 22

As of yesterday, my header image is officially expired, hehe! To everyone who remembered, thank you so much. To those who didn't, thank you na rin, you've made me stronger. Wushu! May ganon? Haha! Joke lang.

So was it a happy birthday indeed? It depends on how I look at it.

In terms of gifts, this year definitely pales in comparison to last year. Not suprising really, because last year was my 21st, considered as a man's version of a debut, whereas the 22nd is nowhere numerically significant. Besides, last year's bash was a major one in terms of guest, so obviously, gifts were abundant, hehe! Besides again, my gifts this year are not that bad. I finally inherited my Dad's N90 (Dang! Haha!) and I finally got my Starbucks 2007 Planner. But at the end of the day, the gifts are a non-issue for me. Why? Next paragraph please.

On my birthday, I was with the best possible set of friends. (I would've added 'family', but then again, I only have one family, there's no 'best possible set of family', hehe). Nothing could top that. EVER! Hehe!

So what was my birthday wish? There's only one thing majorly important right now -- college graduation. In terms of material things, I have everything I think I NEED. Like they always say, if you don't have it, then you don't need it. In terms of friends and relationships, I think it's safe to say I'm in a good situation right now. No more immature drama on the side, no more bothering oneself with other people's problems. Hehe! So I could only hope that it will be smooth sailing towards that day I could finally wear the sablay.

Early Christmas Cheer!

For reasons I can't explain, I have been bitten by the Christmas bug quite early this year. Well, for starters, I already started playing Christmas songs since the start of October. Then by mid-October, I already set my message alert tone to a Christmas tune -- The Sound Of Life by Jose Mari Chan. (FYI: I change message alert tones on a monthly basis, often based on the theme of the month). And now, for the first time in my four-year stay in our apartment, I have placed some Christmas decors in my rusty old double deck. Mind you, I used my own allowance to buy these decors because I figured that the Christmasy feeling that these will bring will be worth it. I even already bought more decors for the rest of the apartment! So I guess, you can conclude that indeed, I am looking forward to Christmas this year. And I find it really weird that I do! =p

I only have silver bead garland and a couple of blue flower bouquets.
Simple lang ang design, haller, ano ba naman kasi ang pwede mong
idecorate sa isang double deck bed diba? Haha!

I wasn't exactly a grinch just because I didn't use to look forward to Christmas in the past as much as I do now. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy Christmas -- the school break, the food, the gifts and aginaldo, and of course, the general feeling of peace and good will (admit it, come Christmas season, people have extra reasons to be nicer than usual). Add that fact that my family is complete during this time.

But this year is different, so different. Again, for some unexplainable reason, I appreciate Christmas songs more. I still want to do some Christmas shopping but I don't have the same passion for it anymore. It's like the actual superficial Christmas-related material things (eg, shopping, receiving gifts) aren't that much of a priority anymore. I just have this urge to spread the uhm, Christmas cheer? Haha! Sorry, I can't describe it. Basta! I just feel good about Christmas this December, like I have this hunch that this coming Christmas will be more special than before -- special not only in terms of better gifts or more aginaldo and the likes. Ah! It's the kind of special that is more meaningful. Naks! Multiply to that the fact that I am also very excited about my birthday this month! Haha! =p

Of candle balls, dead people and being a dog

While the rest of ya troop to the crowded cemeteries tomorrow, I, on the other hand, will be sitting pretty at home already, hehe. You see, our family has already visited our dead this afternoon, while there ain't no traffic yet, no noisy people, no messy trash, no stinking wax smell, bwahaha! Okay, scratch that, I actually miss all of that, hehe!

It's been ages since we last visited our relatives, uhm, departed relatives, at Porac and Sta Rita. The reason why is a long but boring story, there is no drama involved. Anyway, but this afternoon, we finally had the chance to do it again. And it brought back a lot of memories from childhood. Aww, the nostalgia.. haha!

In the grand Filipino tradition, we used to be at my parents' hometowns each morning of November 1. Me and my cousins my age would even help out in picking the Sampaguita buds to be used on the flower thingies that we would offer later in the afternoon. And then, at the cemeteries, we would make it a contest on who can make the biggest and most beautiful candle balls, hehe.

Now, I don't get to do that anymore. And I kinda feel sad for my nephews, because they don't get to have the same childhood memories I have. They wouldn't know how it feels like to roam around the cemeteries, check out the names of the dead people, compute their ages, specualte on how they died, etc, haha! And most of all, they don't get to make candle balls! =p

As I looked around the familiar graves, I got to think of how it feels to be dead. You know, how sad it must be that the people you used to be always with only visit you once a year, hehe. I wonder how they spend their days and nights? Do they watch Pinoy Dream Academy? Hahaha!

Haay, how I envy them. Yep, you read right. I actually envy the dead. I envy that they don't have to go through life's bullshit anymore. How pathetic for me, huh? Hehe. Well, considering I used to envy my dog for being a dog whose only job is to eat and bark at any random movements around our house, envying humans, albeit dead ones, is an improvement, right? Haha!

Oh well, don't mind me, I am probably just tired or maybe it's just one of those days we're on a nostalgia and mush high. That's why I get to think of mundane stuff like envying our dog for being a dog, hehe.

Anyway, good luck on your own respective visits to the dead tomorrow! I am sure that for most of you, November 1 doubles as a clan reunion, right? Enjoy your relatives, both the living and the dead, hehe! =p