Recent Thoughts

Monday, May 16, 2005

I'm Scared

I’m scared.

I’m scared of the person I've become.

It’s very ironic that I actually think I'm better off now than I was before.

It’s the first time in years that I didn’t outright failed a subject. I got two 4.0s and an INC. But at least there is hope, right? I actually passed one removal exam already.

The self-esteem I lost months before is now back and I've never felt more contented in years. You see, I now realize that there’s more to life than falling in love. It isn’t what life is all about for people my age. There’s plenty of time for that later. There are more pressing matters now, one of which is a thing called graduation.

I’ve said goodbye to lonely nights. You know, the nights when I think about why I'm not as lucky as other, especially with the ever elusive thing (at least for me, I guess) called love; the nights when I wonder what the hell happened to the guy who was confidently the most intelligent person at school and never studied as hard as the bookish chaps and yet gets higher scores; the nights when I wished I could talk to someone to whom I could pour my heart into so I wouldn’t have to keep it all in; the nights when I wished I was hugging a warm body, just like the rest of the people at our apartment; in short, the nights when I felt I was so alone.

Ha! Of course, I still do get bouts of loneliness from time to time, but I can easily brush them off now. One good lesson you learn when you’re wallowing in self-pity is that all you have to do is just, well, count your blessings. Because, like what my email signatures say, everything sucks, but at least I'm still doing fine.

I have become this strong, patient and stable person that I thought I should be. If I won't be strong for myself, who else would be? The girl who broke my heart? Definitely not.

Now this is where the I’m-scared part comes in. It’s like I’m too strong to be true.

I'm scared that I'm enjoying being on my own too much. There are times when I actually prefer being alone. Imagine, I actually dated myself last Valentine’s Day.

I'm scared that I’ll be contented in being alone that I might not need another person’s help.

I'm scared that I've built this emotional wall that might alienate any future special someone. Months ago, I vowed that I won't let anyone hurt me that hard ever again. Of course, that time, such vow was therapeutic. But I'm not so sure what purpose that vow serves now.

I'm scared that I've become too picky, dismissing any prospect when in fact I shouldn’t be looking for a perfect person because such doesn’t exist. Nah, she’s too beautiful. Nah, she’s not beautiful enough. Nah, her IQ’s low. Nah, she’s a disco person.

I'm scared that I'm too blind to see. I might miss ‘the one’. I never see a girl’s potential of being ‘the one’. But I never fail to see the possibility that this girl isn’t for me.

I'm scared that I've lost faith in love altogether, that I might actually give up looking for someone. That love, while it is for everyone else, it isn’t for me.
I'm scared to let my heart’s defenses down, fearing it might take another destructive battering. I hate the moving-on and healing period. It takes its toll on me. Other aspects of my life get screwed as well. Not to mention my fragile self-esteem.

I'm scared that I'm so bitter to fall in love again. If nobody wants me, fine!

I'm scared that I'm too scared to fall in love again because I'm too scared to get hurt again. Self-explanatory.
I'm scared that my happy and contented outlook in life is just bitterness in disguise. Scariest possible realization of it all.


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