Recent Thoughts

Friday, December 16, 2005

21st Birthday Reflections Eklavu

Ito ang pinakamasayang birthday ko ever – as in, to the point na hindi ko ma-explain kung bakit.
Dahil ba nandiyan na laptop ko? Well, siguro nga. Ilang buwan ko ring hinintay ito, diba? Para akong batang na-depress noong October nung nalaman kong maghihintay pa ako ng 3 months para sa laptop.
Dahil ba umuwi ang mga parents ko? Malaking factor din ito. Pero hindi na kasi issue sa akin ang pagiging OFW nila eh. Sanay na ako at naiintindihan ko. Having my parents around will not make or break my birthdays. If they’re around, it’s just icing on the cake.
Dahil ba may birthday bash budget ako? Haha! Iyun nga siguro. September pa lang sinabi ko na kay Mama na gusto kong mag-party sa birthday ko. Sabi ko close friends lang, walang kung sinu-sinong kamag-anak or family friend. Maswerte naman ako dahil kahit madami bagsak ku noong 1st sem ay hindi binawi ang pang-treat ko.
My birthday itself was uneventful and boring sans for my T-Shirt which said, “It’s my birthday today, please buy me a drink”. Bakit? Gumagawa lang naman ako ng tatlong pages ng technical report na due 5pm noon araw din na iyon. It was like any other academically hectic day. Pero bumawi si Lord sa gabi. Ito ay dahil pinagluto ako ng aking Matimtiman Family, namely Mikai, Cyrille and Porshe ng isang masarap ng Nilaga. And with buddy Paul, Jerome, Rjei, Jowie & Gary, they surprised me with a Chocolate Mousse cake. May banner greeting pa ako.
And guess what? Tumuloy kaming boys sa condo nina Gary para mag-inuman. Yup, you read right, MAG-INUMAN. First time ko yata pumayag na makipag-inuman with AguPips.
December 15 was a still a big day for me (actually, birthday naman ng Ate ko this time around). Day 2 baga ng aking 21st Birthday Celebrations. Syempre, it’s Oblation Run & Lanterd Parade Day! Well, hindi na ako sabik sa Oble Run kasi nakapanood na ako. Ironic nga eh, sa first 3 years ko sa college na pinlano ko manood nito, I never had a good spot. Hindi naman sa excited ako makakita ng mga birds, hello? I see one many times a day, diba? Gusto ko lang makapanood for experience. Pero last year and this year kung saan hindi na ako looking-forward sa event na ito dahil I already saw it in my 3rd year, dumaan pa sila mismo sa harapan ko.
After the Lantern Parade, diretso na kami sa Kenny Roger’s Katips. This is it! This is the party na pinapangarap ko. And boy, I’m so glad it went well. Food was great – Kenny R ba naman, diba? Most of my most treasured friends were there, except for a few who couldn’t come due to some valid reasons. Pero okay lang.
Then there was the Gift Giving Ceremony that the Sampelut Girls prepared. For me it was the best part of the evening. Of course, the gifts were great, pero, the words and stories behind them were way way more valuable for me. Mayroon pa akong Message Board, debut na debut talaga ang dating. It’s the best birthday card ever for me.
May Starbucks after-party pa ako. Unfortunately, not everyone ay nakasama, some had to go home na. Pero tuluy pa rin ang saya! Kwentuhan ditto, spin the bottle doon. Buti nga may nakuha pa kaming seats eh. Nakuha ko na rin iyung Starbucks 2006 Planner ko.
This is my best birthday ever. No amount of words or blogging can ever be suffice to convey how thankful I am to have such a wonderful set of my family and friends.
It really feels good to know that I have touched a lot of lives in a positive way. Not to sound arrogant or conceited, I owe these people a lot as well. Akala niyo ako lang nakatulong sa inyo? Hindi ah! Tinulungan niyo rin ako, in ways more than one. Sometimes, aware kayo, sometimes, hindi. You made my first 21 years of life worth living. You were there through the good times and the bad. You were there when I wasn’t my best self. Grabe, natiis niyong pakisamahan ang taong tulad ko. Despite my imperfections as a person, you accepted me and let me in your inner circle of trusts, as much as you were very well inside mine. You made me laugh, you made me cry even. You made me do things I never thought I would or I could do. You taught me lessons in life that I needed to know. You were there to cheer me on sa mga laban ng buhay ko. In short, you, my friends and family, are God’s manifestation of Himself, that He is always there for me. Whew! Tutal, nabanggit ko na rin si God, Lord, maraming maraming salamat! Sobra! You’re the Man! =)

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Obvious ba na sobrang late ko na nai-post ito? ngayon ko lang natapos eh.. hehe..

Sunday, December 11, 2005

20 + 1 = 21

I’m going to be 21 years old in about three days. And I’m proud of it. Besides, it’s not like I have a choice, right?

For days now, friends have been joking me that I’m getting old, all because I’m turning 21. It’s a man’s debut. It’s my debut. But I was never like, “Oo nga, eh, nakakalungkot, tumatanda na ako!” Incrementing my age each time I celebrate birthday is no issue for me, unlike other old people who cringe at that inevitable +1. I mean, come on guys! It’s the reality we all have to face. We age each year, we get older. We all go through with it. It’s inevitable. So what’s the bad fuss? When we were kids, we couldn’t wait to get older. Now that we are older, we all want to be younger. Ironic, isn’t it?

Actually, the whole debut thing doesn’t really mean much to me, sans for the formality that I can be officially called an adult male. Men don’t normally celebrate their debut with as much fanfare as women when they turn 18. But in my case, I’m excited not really because I’m going to be 21 and it’s my debut but because for the first time since I was 7 years old, I’m gonna have a party. And I’m so looking forward to it. And it’s not gonna be like the typical party that families have at their homes, with all the family friends and relatives. It was like that during my high school graduation party. Half of the guests probably don’t even know that I study at DBA. =) Not all of them contributed one way or another in order for me to achieve what I have achieved ­­– to graduate as Valedictorian. There were only a handful of my schoolmates, classmates and friends that were there. To think that aside from my family, I owe my high school success more to them than any other blood relative. And I don’t want my debut party to be like that. I want only the important people in my life present at the venue – the people who have made my 21 years of existence worthwhile. I want a very intimate and personal party.

With age comes wisdom they say. This is what I answer to friends who chide me for getting old. There are still a lot of things that I still have to learn. For starters, I still don’t have a driver’s license. I’m 21, for crying out loud. I still can’t cook. So if I’d have to work abroad, I’m gonna starve or take-outs will just consume a bulk of my hard-earned dollars. I still hate taking care of children. I love my nephews to bits, but when it comes to parental administrative stuff (like feeding them, giving them a bath, and all that jazz), I still don’t have the instincts. In short, though I’m legally capable, hindi pa ako pwedeng mag-asawa. Haha! =) And i still don't have a girlfriend. Don't get me wrong. I'm fine with it. But I hate it when my folks keep bugging me for a gf. I'm like, "Ayaw niyo ba talaga ako gunraduate?! Hindi nga ako makapag-focus eh, gusto niyo pang magka-syota ako?!" =) I would have to do with flings, haha! AS IF, REX!!

In three days, I’m gonna be 21. Some say I don’t look my age. Some say I look older because of my occasional unshavened chin (Darn! I hate having to do this every morning!). While some souls mistake me as a Sophomore, to think that I’m already in my fifth year (bless these rare souls, haha!). But in the end, it’s all about what I’ve already accomplished in my first 21 years, right? Boy, I’ve been through a lot. While I have my own shortcomings as an adult, I can fairly say I’ve made up in other departments of my life. This early, I have touched and inspired a lot of lives already. How do I know? People say so, and they have done the same to me. Imagine what else I could do in the my second 21 years? Hopefully, drive a car at NLEX. =)

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Blogs Galore!

Arrrgh!!?! Nakakainis! Bakit naputol 'tong blog entry ko na ito? Nakalahati! Grrr... Anyway I'll try to write again what I wrote back in December (April 28 na kasi ngayon).

CoE197A Class


Kapapalit ko lang ng title ng blog ko kani-kanina lang. "Mga Blogs ng isang taong hindi naman madalas makapag-blog". O diba, akmang-akma na siya! Eh sa totoo naman eh. Andami nangyari sa akin noong November, pero ni isang blog about them wala akong naisulat. Ewan ko ba. May inspirasyon naman ako, may paghuhuugutan. Pero kapag kaharap ko na ang monitor at keyboard. Wala na ako masyado masabi. Pero kung naglalakad pauwi, or bago matulog, andami kong naiisip!

Therefore, lahat ng hindi ko nasulat dati, isusulat ko ngayon.
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PROBIE

Yup! Probie ako ngayon sa Eng'g. Para sa mga nakakakilala sa akin, this is something surprising. I'm not being cocky about it, pero siguro, sabihin na lang natin na hindi aakalain ng mga tao na mangyayari sa akin ito. I've failed a subject or two before but never in my dreams na ibabagsak ko ang 80% ng load ko. October pa alam ko na na mangyayari ito. Pero nag-sink in lang siya nung November, nung naging Dismissed ang status ko. Grabe, hindi ko alam ang ilalagay ko sa Letter of Appeal ko. Tipong alangan namang sabihin ko na 'ako'y tao lang, nagkakamali rin', haha!
At kamusta naman ang paghihintay ko sa result ng appeal ko? Agony of waiting talaga! Almost a week akong pabalik-balik sa Eng'g for at least three times a day. Kaya pala matagal ang result ko ay dahil na-misplace ang Readmittance Paper ko. Edi sana, 2 days lang akong kinabahan kung Eng'g pa ba ako hindi! Nakakainis talaga. The best talaga ang staff ng Eng'g Admin.

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EPAL

Epal. Ang lakas ng dating ng salitang ‘to no? Para ka na ring minura, pero hindi. Nasabihan kasi ako ng epal.

Geesh, ayoko nang balikan 'tong time na sinulat ko 'to. Basta, tinawag akong epal. Pero bati na kami ngayon. Diba, Ngot? Haha! Sabihin na lang natin na ginagawa ko lang ang sa tingin ko'y tama. I only had the best intentions, not for me, but for other people. But it backfired. Dapat talaga alam mo kung kailan ka makikialam at kung kailan hindi. Hindi dapat tinutulungan ang mga taong hindi naman humihungi ng tulong.

Pero masarap maging epal eh! =)

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Ayan, hindi ko na maalala ano title nung 3rd part ng blog na 'to. hmmm... Basta, it had something to do with 'everything happens for a reason'.
Kasi noong timeframe na ito (November-early December), marami akong naging problema, maraming nangyari na hindi masyado maganda. Tapos hindi ko alam kung bakit. I was so clueless as to what God wants to tell me with all the bad things that's been happening. Line of reasoning ko kasi, when something bad happens, there's a reason, there's a lesson to be learned. But in this case, I can't extract the meaningful lesson. For me, the hurt / pain was so unnecessary.


Arrrghhh! Nakakabanas talaga! Bakit kasi nabura 'ito! Siguro nung inedit ko dati ito, dun ko nabura... grrr. whatever. Wala na rin akong magagawa. hmmmpf!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Mag-Anak ni Jasper

Habang ang lahat ng tao ay nasa sementeryo nung November 1, ako ay nasa bahay, ginagawa ang project ng pamangkin kong si Jasper. Sa isang ½ illustration board, idikit daw ang mga myembro ng iyong pamilya at lagyan ng description ang bawat isa. Ang title daw ay ‘Ang Aming Mag-anak’. So ayun, nanghiram ang sina Ate Joi (nanay ni Jasper at kapatid ko) ng digicam at pinicture nila ang mga chikiting dahil pangit daw kung cut-outs lang. Noong una, humingi lang ng advice sa akin kung ano magandang presentation sa project. Nag-comment naman ako diyan, bandang huli, ako pa tuluy pinagawan ni Ate Joi.

Naalala ko tuloy ang nanay ko. Nung maliit ako, siya rin nag-aasikaso ng mga project ko, lalu na kapag kailangan ng artistic presentation at hindi lang simpleng mga report. Biruin mo, ni hindi naman talaga artistic si Mama. Si Ate Joi ang laging naaatasang mag-lettering sa folder ng “Proyekto sa Ganyan” o “Project in Ganito”, gamit yung mga plastic stencils. Syempre, hindi pa uso ang MS Word. At syempre, si Ate Joi din ang mag-tatype using a typewriter.

Grabe, parang kailan lang yun. Ngayon ang mga pamangkin ko na ang may mga kung anu-anong mga project. At ang Ate ko na – bilang isang nanay herself – ang busy sa pag-aasikaso sa mga requirements nga mga kids sa school.

“Ang ganda ng project ko!” sabi ni Jasper sa project niya. Kahit sa akin ang concept, I made sure na siya pa rin ang gagawa sa project niya. Nung bata kasi ako, naiinis ako sa mga kaklase ko na ang gaganda ng mga project, obvious naman na hindi sila ang gumawa. Kaya ayun, si Jasper ang inatasan kong mandikit nung mga art paper sa illustration board. Well, ako na ang nang-gunting ng mga art paper, baka kasi maputulan pa siya ng daliri. Sa sobrang proud niya, pinagalitan pa niya yung bunso nyang kapatid kahit na hinahawakan at tinitingnan lang yung project. Sabi niya, “Hoy Justin! Huwag mong guguluhin ang Mag-anak ko!” =)

Monday, October 31, 2005

Quiet Desperation

It’s funny how one’s life can be so full of shit and blessings at the same time. This realization dawned on me the past semester. It got to a point where everything was spinning out of control. Problems here, there and everywhere, be it acads or personal life. Solutions were futile. I felt so stressed out. It was a time when I always wanted to sleep but it’s not because I was deprived of it. It’s just that sleeping became an escape from reality for me. At least when you’re asleep, things had a great chance of getting better.

I’ve always thought I was strong enough to handle any kind of problem. I'm not saying that I don't need anybody’s help. It’s just that I knew that I have lots of friends that I can depend on, from whom I could draw strength from in case I'm not strong enough for certain dilemmas. You see, I am a firm believer that one should invest on many friends. No man is an island, remember? Note that I'm referring to real friends, the type you’d still invite to your house on the first birthday of your first grandchild, not just mere acquaintances. So in effect, I was indeed strong. But in the last sem, I've proven myself wrong. I am not as strong as I think I am. And with all the friends that I had, not one could help me out with the problems that hounded and kept me so stressed out the past few months that every now and then I felt like vomiting for no physiological reason.

The past sem will definitely be the most memorable sem for me. It may not be very fulfilling like the sem when I would finally graduate (Ha! So near yet so far…). But in terms of extreme events and not to mention emotions, nothing beats the past sem. I make it sound like it was one hell of a sem for me, right? After all, one can always see me laughing my heart out, joking around, thinking of another punch line that I could throw on the next unsuspecting victim. Who would think that deep inside, I'm helpless and desperate for a solutions. Yes, desperate is the perfect word for it. It’s either that or I've been listening too much of Mary Alice. They say that when jolly people feel hurt, they feel it quite badly.

I don't want to go into the gory details of why the past sem was such a hell for me. Frankly, I'm still ashamed of myself. It’s so out of my character. It’s the kind of stuff that only happen to people that I normally consider losers. I never foresaw such things would happen to me. But they did. Well, that then definitely makes me the loser that I always looked down upon. At first, I thought it’s just one of those times when things get bad but still get better in the end. I mean, after all, I'm a senior engineering student. I'm trained for these times. But no, it wasn’t one of those times. It was worse, way, way worse.

I guess by now you get the picture. There I was, at such an all-time low state. Whenever I get to sleep, I half-wished I would never wake up and face the world filled with problems left unsolved and whose answers have yet to be unearthed. I quarter-wished that in my sleep, God would whisper to me the answers I needed. I also quarter-wished that if don't dream about the answer and I wake up (which, apparently, I always did), things will get better on their own or that someone else will come by and give me the answers. But no, none of my wishes was at least partially granted.

And as if finding the answers to my problems wasn’t enough, more questions bothered me. Why is this happening? Why to me? Why now? While I have learned to accept what was happening, I still can't find the rationale of it. Answering the whys may not necessarily provide the more important answers, but they only added to the confusion. I was in deep shit – holiest and crappiest shittiest of all. (Okay, the last –iest word was a stretch. I know that my problems were nothing compared to the problems of the starving and malnourished children of Somalia. Not to mention it is grammatically incorrect. J)

Amidst all the depression and desperation, still, there were lessons for me to learn – lots of them.

The positive realizations came at an ironic time. There I was, cursing the past few months and wishing life is like a word processor where I could easily press Ctrl + Z each time I make mistakes. Or maybe, I could just exit without saving and reopen the file 1st Semester AY 2005-2006. But what if in the name of God, it happens? Do I really want to redo the past four months? As in everything? Including the good things that have happened? Of course, the answer was no. It was right in front of me, written on my graffiti wall – everything sucks, but you’re doing just fine.

As much as there were lots of things to cry about in the past sem, there were things to smile about as well. While I already have a good set of friends, more people entered my inner circle of trust and I couldn’t be more thankful. I got closer to some of my friends the reasons for which I can't say in print. Let’s just say there were a lot of issues to talk about and these issues brought us closer. And I owe it to them why I got through the past sem alive. They made me smile, they encouraged me on. They uttered words like, “Things will get better Kuya, you’ll be okay” even if they’re not sure how or if things will get better indeed, just to give me hope. I know that they’re just saying it because it’s the right thing to say. But I appreciate it nevertheless because they cared enough to say anything at all. Even promise that things will be okay even if it really was out of their control.

Last sem was filled with opportunities to help other people on different levels and different aspects. And for me, it was the best part of last sem. It was during these instances when I felt that finally, what I was doing was yielding a positive outcome, whether it was for me or for another person. Besides, you’ll never get a failing grade in helping someone. No matter how little or simple the assistance you extended, you’re sure to get at least a 3.0. The unsolicited words of gratitude were priceless. Making a difference in another person’s life is something. It’s not something you get to do everyday. But I was blessed with many opportunities to do it a lot of times the past sem. Fulfillment doesn’t only mean achieving your greatest hopes and dreams. For if it was, then the past sem was the disappointment that I felt it was. Good thing fulfillment is also knowing you have made the lives of other people worth living.

A little more than a week from now, another sem will start. Alas, there are still problems from the past sem left unsolved. And alas again, I still don't have a clear idea on what to do. As much as the problems will be carried on to the next sem, so will the lessons I learned. I will still do the things that keep me happy because I deserve to smile every now and then, in between frowns or tears. Maybe this time around not only should I help other people if I could but also help myself for a new start – simply because I should.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Timing is Gold

Minsan, may nabasa ako somewhere - saan nakakabili ng spark? May malaking point nga naman yung writer diba? Kahit gaano nga naman ka-compatible and dalawang tao, kung walang spark ng mag-iignite sa kanila, eh wala ring mangyayari.
Eh paano kung may spark nga, olats naman sa timing? Pwede rin bang bilhin ito somewhere? Nakakainis kasi eh, parang pinatitripan yata ako ng tadhana.
Ang hirap kasing tumiyempo. Sa kakatiyempo, nauunahan ka ng iba. Kung minsan naman, 10 taon ang error sa timing. Either advanced ka or siya naman ang late. Andyan din ung classic excuse na “you came at a wrong time”. Kesyo mayroon nang iba (think “Bakit Ngayon Ka Lang”…), or busy daw siya (career muna, bago love life). Pwede rin naming ka-ka-break lang or ika nga sa Chasing Liberty, romance is simply not a feasible option right now. At kung malas ka talaga, gusto mo siya, gusto ka niya, pero ayaw lang talaga ng pagkakataon na maging kayo.
So ano pa nga bang gagawin mo kung hindi maghintay. Kasi naman, kung wala ring ‘go’-signal mula sa taas, wala ring mangyayari. Pero kung wala ka rin gagawin, mas lalong walang mangyayari, diba? Eh paano kung andiyan na siya pero di mo napansin? Malas nga naman talaga.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Nokia 3660

I’ve always been the cautious type when it comes to my things when I'm out in the streets. Lagi kong chinecheck ang mga bulsa ko to make sure na andon pa ang wallet at cell phone ko tuwing bumababa ako ng jeep or trike. Ingat na ingat ako sa cell phone ko ever since I had one as a gift from my parents for my high school graduation.

I've already changed phones twice. My first one was a very reliable 3310. Then came my 3530. Downloading of games ang naging malaking problema sa 3530 ko. Syempre, banang-bana pa ako sa mga java games, nami-miss ko siguro ang Gameboy ko. Tapos syempre, libri pa ang GPRS kaya kapag P1 na lang load ko, todo download na ako. It broke down four times all in all. I guess I never learned my lesson. Finally after the fourth time (and a year since I bought it), I tried sweet-talking my parents about buying me a new phone. Gustung-gusto ko kasi yung 3660 ng orgmate ko nun eh. Siguro nasa good mood sila noon kasi nagbayad ng utang ang tito ko kaya after 2 days of ‘deliberation’, I got the 3660 that I so wanted (using my tito’s payment).

And I so love this phone. I've been using it for a year and 3 months now. In fairness, I havent changed housing. I'm still using the original kahit na puro gasgas na ito. My phone is a gameboy, organizer, alarm clock, tickler notebook and camera all in one. Syempre obvious na ung use niya as a communication device. At in fairness, I could store hundreds of text messages with its multi-media card. Sentimental kasi akong tao.

I couldn’t live without my phone. Well, I could actually live without texting. Except siguro during times when it’s really useful, like contacting family, friends or groupmates for obviously valid reasons. Kaya nga ingat na ingat ako dito. Hindi ako masyado takot sa mandurukot, siguro dahil feeling close lang ako kay Lord kaya confident ako na hindi ako mapapasali sa mga malas na nadudukutan. Iniisip ko lagi, engot na lang ako kung pababayaan ko lang itong mahulog sa bulsa ko.

At engot ako noong May 21 – kasi nahulog ito sa trike ng subdivision namin. Nakalimutan ko i-check ang bulsa ko. And I didn’t realize it after 3 hours. Noong una, kala ko, kinuha lang nga mga pamangkin ko. tuwing pag-uwi ko kasi laging ang cell phone ko ang una nilang tinatanong, mag-ge-games daw. Pero wala dwa sa kanila. Baka natabunan sa mga maduming damit sa bag ko. I tried calling it. It was ringing pero di ko marinig ang Kitchie Nadal ringtone ko. It was then that it dawned on me what I thought would never happen to me – I lost my cell phone.

Nag panic ako diyan! Although for a second, naisip ko na makakabili na ako ng bagong phone! But no! Mahal ko ang 3660 ko at kuntento ako dito. I didn’t need a one-megapixel camera or personalized themes or longer video recorder. I needed my 3660 back – my phone book (damn! Sabi ko na eh, dapat linista ko na 3 days ago yung contacts ko!), messages (oh no! wala na yung sweet and comforting messages ng mga friends ko that never fail to cheer me up whenever I read them during bouts of loneliness) and my java games (shit! Paano na ang mga high score ko sa Summer Games at Siberian Strike!).

I got it back though. I was sure that it fell on the trike on my way home. Kasi the last time I checked, andun pa siya noong pagbaba ko sa jeep. I tried calling it and after 5 tries, sumagot din yung driver. I was ‘obliged’ (more of ‘binuyo’ actually) na bigyan siya ng ‘reward’ (more of ‘balato’ I think). Pero P90 lang and dala ko (I intentionally didn’t bring my wallet). I really didn’t want to give money and I’d rather give a token or some goodies for his kids siguro bilang pasasalamat. Ang pangit kasi tingnan, parang binabayaran ko siya for being honest. All the trike drivers in the terminal were cheering him on when he said, “Ganun na lang ba yun?”. Huwaaat?! Well, pa-joke naman niyang sinabi yun. Pero obvious na nag-eexpect nga siya. Syempre ayokong ipahiya siya sa harap ng mga kumpare niyang driver. Eh kung gulpihin ako!

I was thankful that the first time I stupidly lost my cellphone, the stranger who found it was honest. I mean, swerte pa rin ako diba? I mean come on! Ilang trike driver ba ang magbabalik ng colored cell phone? Siguro mga ilang libo rin yung phone ko kung ibebenta niya sa Greenhills! Pero yun nga, swerte ako at nakatyempo ako ng honest na tao.

But despite his act on honesty, hindi pa rin ako bilib sa kanya. Nainis kasi ako noong sinabi niya yung “Ganun na lang ba iyon?”. Kahit na pabiro pa. Feeling ko tuloy, binalik lang niya yung phone ko dahil feeling niya super yaman yung may-ari at bibigyan siya na malaking reward. Syempre nga naman, malinis na konsyensiya niya, may pera pa siya! Nakisawsaw pa yung ibang drivers, as if naman makakatanggap rin sila ng grasya.

Kung tutuusin, deserved nga niya ang magka-reward. Mahirap nga naman ang buhay ngayon. Pero sana naghintay na lang siya ng kusa ako mag-bigay. Edi sana, na-guilty pa ako na P90 lang binigay ko. Edi sana, bilib na bilib na ako na may tao pang tulad niya (aside from me, hehe). Edi sana, binigyan ko pa siya ng mas malaking halaga. Edi sana, sinarado ko na sa P100. Joke lang!

Monday, May 16, 2005

I'm Scared

I’m scared.

I’m scared of the person I've become.

It’s very ironic that I actually think I'm better off now than I was before.

It’s the first time in years that I didn’t outright failed a subject. I got two 4.0s and an INC. But at least there is hope, right? I actually passed one removal exam already.

The self-esteem I lost months before is now back and I've never felt more contented in years. You see, I now realize that there’s more to life than falling in love. It isn’t what life is all about for people my age. There’s plenty of time for that later. There are more pressing matters now, one of which is a thing called graduation.

I’ve said goodbye to lonely nights. You know, the nights when I think about why I'm not as lucky as other, especially with the ever elusive thing (at least for me, I guess) called love; the nights when I wonder what the hell happened to the guy who was confidently the most intelligent person at school and never studied as hard as the bookish chaps and yet gets higher scores; the nights when I wished I could talk to someone to whom I could pour my heart into so I wouldn’t have to keep it all in; the nights when I wished I was hugging a warm body, just like the rest of the people at our apartment; in short, the nights when I felt I was so alone.

Ha! Of course, I still do get bouts of loneliness from time to time, but I can easily brush them off now. One good lesson you learn when you’re wallowing in self-pity is that all you have to do is just, well, count your blessings. Because, like what my email signatures say, everything sucks, but at least I'm still doing fine.

I have become this strong, patient and stable person that I thought I should be. If I won't be strong for myself, who else would be? The girl who broke my heart? Definitely not.

Now this is where the I’m-scared part comes in. It’s like I’m too strong to be true.

I'm scared that I'm enjoying being on my own too much. There are times when I actually prefer being alone. Imagine, I actually dated myself last Valentine’s Day.

I'm scared that I’ll be contented in being alone that I might not need another person’s help.

I'm scared that I've built this emotional wall that might alienate any future special someone. Months ago, I vowed that I won't let anyone hurt me that hard ever again. Of course, that time, such vow was therapeutic. But I'm not so sure what purpose that vow serves now.

I'm scared that I've become too picky, dismissing any prospect when in fact I shouldn’t be looking for a perfect person because such doesn’t exist. Nah, she’s too beautiful. Nah, she’s not beautiful enough. Nah, her IQ’s low. Nah, she’s a disco person.

I'm scared that I'm too blind to see. I might miss ‘the one’. I never see a girl’s potential of being ‘the one’. But I never fail to see the possibility that this girl isn’t for me.

I'm scared that I've lost faith in love altogether, that I might actually give up looking for someone. That love, while it is for everyone else, it isn’t for me.
I'm scared to let my heart’s defenses down, fearing it might take another destructive battering. I hate the moving-on and healing period. It takes its toll on me. Other aspects of my life get screwed as well. Not to mention my fragile self-esteem.

I'm scared that I'm so bitter to fall in love again. If nobody wants me, fine!

I'm scared that I'm too scared to fall in love again because I'm too scared to get hurt again. Self-explanatory.
I'm scared that my happy and contented outlook in life is just bitterness in disguise. Scariest possible realization of it all.


Thursday, April 28, 2005

Down with Scott!

And then they were five. Scott’s way overdue departure on American Idol has finally happened! I WISH!

Who will get the boot this week – I will know in around 18 hours from now (11.45pm, April 27). Nami-miss ko na si Nadia. At si Nikko. At si Jessica. At si Lindsey. Haha! Sayang na sayang kasi ang airtime ni Scott at Constantine eh!

Lindsey Cardinale – the eye-candy with a distinct deep voice. Hindi siya pang ultimate American Idol but I wished she stayed longer. Ang sarap kasi sa tenga ng boses niya eh. Ewan ko ba bakit ayaw ng America sa unique and rich voice niya. Nauna pa ng isang linggo si Mikalah.

Jessica Sierra – out of the Top 12, 4th in my personal order. She also has this very soothing voice. I can't see what’s not to like about her. Dahil ba sa medyo malapad niyang panga? Or is it because she bungled the lyrics of the videoke classic Total Eclipse Of The Heart?

Nikko Smith – hindi ko siya favorite pero I do enjoy his performances. Ngayong Recent Hits ang theme, I know that he would’ve had a great performance. His shocking exit is well, a shocker?

Nadia Turner – people always complain about her lack of vocal range – this I can't refute. Diba nga lumalabas na ang mga ugat niya sa leeg kapag bumibirit siya? Unfortunately, she has this knack of choosing songs that aren't very popular. ‘Yan tuloy, natanggal siya, just because she just wanted to ‘keep it real’. Whenever I watched the Results Show when she was booted out, I really feel sad. Kasi, lagi nila sinasabi, “just be yourself, blah blah blah”. Kasi naman si Nadia, super fluctuating ang performances – one week, super galing. Then the following week, super boring naman.

Now, my top 3 favorites are surviving: Carrie, Vonzell & Anthony (in order).

Anthony Fedorov – when I say I like this native of Ukraine, it’s the Rex who used to love mushy boy bands that’s talking. Anthony is like a product of the company that manufactured Westlife, A1 and Five. Good thing though, he isn’t singing any mushy, I-will-love-you-forever-girl stuff. Add the fact na Harry-Potter look-a-like pa siya. Kaya lang, feeling ko underdog siya kina Constantine at Bo. Matatanggap ko na pang-Top 5 lang siya. Pero hindi ko matatanggap na mas mauuna pang umuwi si Anthony kay Scott!

Vonzell Solomon – first time I heard her sing, sabi ko ‘forgettable’. But ever since The Best of My Love, I fell in love with this bubbly lady. I like the aura she exudes whenever she sings – ‘yun bang she’s really having fun. I'm dreaming of a Finale with her and Carrie. But I feel ko si eye-fucking Constantine ang malaking balakid sa panaginip na ito.

Carrie Underwood – perfect mix of beauty and talent. Ang lamang lang ni Vonzell sa kanya ay probably personality. Sabi ko dati, kayang-kaya niya si Constantine. Pero dahil medyo so-so lang siya para sa akin ever since Alone and Independence Day, she might be losing steam.

You must be wondering bakit wala akong individual comments kina Mikalah, Anwar, Scott, Bo at Constantine? Well, di ko sila feel eh. Although I think it’s obvious above that I do hate Mikalah, Constantine and Scott, right? Both Anwar and Bo are talented. Bo isn’t my genre and Anwar is, boring?

Ma-download nga muna ang mga Top 6 performances. Sana sa susunod kong blog. Ako ay nagbubunyi na ako na wala na si Scott!

DOWN WITH SCOTT!

Monday, April 11, 2005

I'm back!

Ha! Finally, after a month and a half hiatus, I finally found time to blog – it’s 12.32 am. You see, I’ve been so busy struggling not to fail in my exams (and resting after arduous struggle) that I can’t find time to sit down and type a blog post. Add the fact that I can’t think of something so pressing to blog about. Not that I have thought of something to blog about now that I’m finally back either. So pardon me if what you’re about to read is not worth the long wait (as if you were actually waiting for a new blog from me!) Here goes nothing…

I’ve been bumming around for 3 days already. Gising, kain, TV, PC, kain, TV, PC at lastly, tulog (the late-matulog-late-gumising kind of sleep). Buhay-baboy as they say. No, make that buhay-baboy-na-techie.

I’m trying to read a Pottinger novel titled The Fourth Procedure. I always say that I love reading novels, but I haven’t read this book that has been in our cabinet (in a box in the cabinet, actually) for about 10 years now. It took all these forces – nothing to watch on TV, no newspaper to read, tired of playing Ricochet or Sim City 4 or in short extremely nothing enjoyable to do to kill time in waiting for the next TV show I’d watch – for me to find interest in reading this book. Not that it’s a bad read or anything. It’s just that when I was younger, I was so into Sidney Sheldon that I had this unconscious opinion that anyone else is not good enough. As we all know, novels do take a lot of time to read. But Sheldon’s story-telling prowess made me endure and even enjoy reading 400+ pages of twists (not to mention sex! haha!). And so, I've always ignored this thick book because it wasn’t a Sidney Sheldon and its gist / intro at the back wasn’t very catchy. The first few pages weren’t really attractive. I even considered re-reading Sheldon’s Rage of Angels for the 5th time instead. But even reading a good story whose ending I know anyway doesn’t do the job of killing boredom. And so I tried to read chapters of The Fourth Procedure from time to time, hoping that not knowing the ending might be the trick. I'm now on page 75 and things are do picking up.

As for my bestfriend for the past 3 days – our television set. I really miss TV! I caught up on a few episodes of American Idol (Top 24 stage level), Charmed (damn! These girls rock!), Friends and Will & Grace. I really wish my housemate will finally bring a TV to our Manila apartment!

The only eventful thing I've done was when I went out with friends last Friday night. As always, when everybody was enjoying the dance floor, I was chilling on the couch. My friends were really convincing me to dance with them. They only stopped when I told them that if my life depended on dancing, I’d be dead already.

So there, 3 down, 3 to go. I'm really savoring my 6-day vacation. Oops! Vacation is too strong a word. ‘Break’ would be more appropriate. In no time, I would again be washed out in a tsunami of academic work. Soon I’d be sleeping late because I have to study and wake up early because – surprise – I have to study. Yuck, para namang ang sipag-sipag kong mag-aral! Hehe!

It’s 1.32am. Saktong 1 hour… pero na-post ko ito 12 hours later pa. Damn provincial internet connection!


Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Finding the 'ONE'

All good men are either taken or gay. This is the weary single woman’s excuse for her lack of luck on finding ‘the one’. I'm sure that if you’re the type who constantly falls for the wrong guy, for at least once in your life, you’ve checked out your gay friend, liked what you saw and wished that he’d been straight instead. Problem is, you’re looking for the same person. More so, the thought that destiny is hell bent on giving you and your ‘the one’ a hard time in finding each other is very exasperating and depressing indeed.

If there would be a similarly melancholic guy version of the quote above it would have to be this: The nice(r) guy doesn’t get the girl. I'm a generally optimistic person, but after being disillusioned that I finally found my ‘the one’ not only once but twice, I would have to totally agree with this. Now don’t get me wrong, I'm not saying that all attached men are bad. With nice as the operative word, the nice guy is, well – genuinely nice, almost Jesus-like. Nice guys are almost always too nice to be considered as lovers because the friendship they offer is too precious to risk and promote to the romantic level. The thought that you have all these lots of genuine love to share and yet no ‘fish’ is willing to take your bait doesn’t really do well to your self-esteem and/or self-confidence.

I'm not really sure whether there are more single men than single women and vice versa but either way, you could think that there is plenty of fish in the ocean, right? The thing is, the ocean is too big, one cannot simply know where to swim and explore. Rare are those people who chance upon their ‘fish’ within kilometers of their reef while some have to swim the 7th sea in order to score a good catch. With all the hundred schools of fish perpetually swimming to find each other, isn’t it ironic that we still feel that the reason we can't find our ‘the one’ is that we actually don’t have one out of all those thousands?

Being a single in a world that puts too much premium on one’s love life or lack of it is really tough. Why is it that we’ve come to regard finding ‘the one’ as an all important ingredient of real happiness? Why can't we be happy and contented with our friends? Why is it a must to be attached? Again, don’t get me wrong. I know that the union of a man and woman is essential to the preservation of the human race. I also do recognize that being in love is undeniably seventh heaven. I’m actually fond of love stories especially the mushy but sincere ones. What I don’t understand is why being single is given much deal. Why do acquaintances tell you “you’re so lucky” if you’ve found ‘the one’ but if you haven't you’re told instead to “not give up because your time will come and you’ll find your ‘the one’”? Why do people have to feel sorry for singles? Why all these why’s?

I know that people, especially your friends, only mean well when they always wish for your love life to blossom. But it sounds so desperate that other people have to wish for it for you. It unintentionally and unnecessarily magnifies the thought / insinuation that you actually need someone to bring joy into your life. It’s just that it’s taking a while for you and your ‘the one’ to find each other. If only people wouldn’t equate happiness with the existence of a love life, all waiting single men and women could optimistically wait for ‘the one’ instead of wallowing in self-pity and feel left out. This way, waiting for ‘the one’ need not entail loneliness and helplessness. You sure have gained something when you’ve found ‘the one’ but you sure aren't missing anything if you haven't found ‘the one’ yet. After all, the status of one’s love life and attitude towards it greatly affects a person’s outlook in life. Believe me – I do know what I'm talking about.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Sleepless in Diliman

Hey guys! Congratulate me! I just survived one hell of a day.

Picture this. I only had 2 hours of sleep. I have two long exams – Physics 103 at 10am-12nn and EEE 51 at 1.30pm-4.30pm. I studied all evening last night and whole dawn today until 4.30am, when I couldn’t keep my eyes open to digest that transistor equivalent circuits employs a diode and a current-controlled current source to duplicate the behavior of a transistor in the region of interest. Whew! I slept till 7am when I resumed my review, that time on Physics.

It’s a good thing both exams turned out okay. Since I’m an EEE student, the exam was okay doesn’t necessarily mean I actually wrote down the correct answers and solutions. It translates to me having an idea about what to do but not 100% sure whether it’s correct and hoping for the best that I’ll clinch enough partial points to reach the passing mark. Oh well, the story of our EEE lives. So, yes, the review up to the wee hours in the morning was sure worth it. Leaving the examination room knowing you’ve actually placed something that filled your long pad was already an achievement in itself versus not having an idea what topic the question was about (tinuro ba iyon?) and that I just re-drew the circuits.

While I was busy solving for voltage gains and input impedances, I was already starting to miss my parents. They just left yesterday for Bahrain. One would think that I’ve already grown accustomed to the fact that both my parents have to be away. In fact, I already am used to it. But their departure yesterday was a teardrop moment for me. I wasn’t able to properly say goodbye.

Last time I saw them was Sunday, 5 days before they’d leave. That day, they had to leave early because they'd be attending a Thanksgiving Mass for the extra years that my Lola recently had due to the success of her colon operation. That day at lunchtime, I had to leave for UP. I was still asleep when they left.

I was already reviewing on FET Small Signal Analysis when the text from Mama came, saying that they had safely arrived at Bahrain. That moment, the fact that they already left sunk in. Next time I’d see them would be in 2006, in time for my College Graduation. Ate Joi even joked Mama, asking her if she’s sure I'd actually graduate by in time.

In the meantime, I continue improving my study habits so that when my parents come back, it will not be for naught.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

In search of the perfect blog site address

While I was reviewing for my Physics 103 exam, I was also thinking hard of a name for my blogsite. When I made my Blogger account, my first address was ‘fluxbyrne.blogspot.com’. After all, it is my Yahoo! ID and username for other websites as well. Then I realized that it is such an inconvenient name. Why? Well, for starters, whenever I give away my email address, I would always get a confused reply of “Ano?” and would have to repeat and spell it. So if I actually want to advertise my blogsite, I would definitely have a hard time. It isn’t easy to remember.

I came up with catchy ones like ‘haventfoundtheone’ (Ang haba naman!), ‘cantfindtheone’ (Sobrang bitter ko naman!), ‘findingtheone’ (Mukha namna akong desperado). I wanted something that represents me. So, I thought of ‘contentedheart’ (But then again, contented nga ba ako? Gandang blog topic ‘to ah!) or ‘wearyheart’ (para namang ang super sad ng lovelife ko!). But I don’t want to seem like a love guru ala Joe D’Mango. I may have lots to say about love and relationships, but I'm no expert at it. Besides, about love na nga yung tag line ko, pati ba naman blog site address?! I also tried ‘globetrotter’ for I'm fond of geography. But alas – it’s already taken.

So, I asked my housemates at our apartment about a cute and nice blog site address. I told them I want something that is so ‘me’. Kuya Argel suggested ‘poohcorner’. And everyone agreed. “That is so Rex” daw. But I didn’t think so. I snapped back, “No, that’s the Rex that you want to be”.

I'm no lover of Pooh or any of his merchandise. That would be Daphne – the girl they all want me to be with. Kesyo bagay daw kami. We look good together. Bakit ba alam pa nila sa akin?!

Now don’t get me wrong, Daphne is a pretty and nice girl. I've said it in my Friendster testimonial of her and I'd say it again here, lucky is the guy with whom she’d fall in love with – very lucky indeed.

Well, I can't blame my friends for being so pushy of me to Daphne or to any girl for that matter (si Phil lang ang nakalalamang sa pantutukso sa akin, as in sobrang lamang). They’re even willing to spend for one of my dates. They even made up a Love-To-Love-like series of Physics questions at our annual org event the Pautakan, just for me. Imagine, I'm the only single, for they’re all taken. Most of them actually even think they’ve found ‘the one’ for them. That’s why on gimmicks, I'm usually the odd-numbered wheel. One time, I asked them why are they so persistent. They said they just want me to be happy. Kesyo nasa ‘in denial’ stage pa daw ako – na ayaw ko lang aminin sa sarili ko. In fact, most of the greetings in my Birthday card last month consisted of wishes for true love and happiness. That’s when I realized how lucky I am to have such a nice bunch of friends. But still, no matter how much they know me and how good their idea is of what would make me happy, it will still be up to me, right?

At the end of the day, I settled for ‘kingofchocolates’. It’s a translation of Rex and I'm a chocolate addict or anything sweet. It can't get any ‘REXier’ than this.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Di Na Natuto

Ilang beses na nga ba akong bumagsak sa mga major subjects ko ngayon? Sandali, parang hindi ko na yata mabilang. Alam ko na! Ilang beses na nga ba akong pumasa? Dalawa… out of nine? Grabe, ganoon na nga ba ako ka-bobo at ka-delingkwente?

Bakit nga ba ako bumabagsak? Ang hirap ng mga exam eh! Ipa-design ba naman ang isang p***ng i**ng frequency sythesizer that will generate a fundamental f0 and its p***ng i**ng harmonics!?! Hindi naman itinuro iyon eh! Tama ba naman iyon? Objective part na nga lang ang tangi kong pag-asa sa exam, iyon pa ang tatanggalin.

Iyon nga lang ba ang problema – na mahirap magpa-exam ang aking mga propesor? O ito lamang ay isang rasyonalisasyon ng mga nakagawian ko – na sa totoo lang, ay hindi naman ako talagang nag-aral nang husto? Well, guilty as charged.

Tulog kasi nang tulog! Diba dapat tulog nang late, gising nang maaga? Ang nangyayari kasi, tulog nang maaga, gising nang late pa! Tumatawad pa 5 minuto na nagiging 30 minuto na nagiging 1 oras na nagiging 2 oras tuwing nag-aalarm ang cell phone eh!

Kapag may exam, alam ko naman by experience na hindi dapat ako nagsisimulang mag-aral the night before. Kaya lang, 2 nights before, it’s either inaantok ako dahil napuyat ako the night before sa katatapos ng machine problem ko, may activity sa org or na-frustrate lang ako dahil kahit anong basa ko, hindi ko pa rin maintindihan (tatanong ko muna bukas sa kaklase ko!). Resulta? 31.25% na standing. Di bale, may dalawang exam pa at finals.

Sabado ang 3rd exam, Tuesday night pa lang, subsob na ako sa main library hanggang gabi. Tinapos ko na ang kalahati ng mga readings mo. Nung last exam, nagsisimula pa lang ako by 8.00pm the night before. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, Kaya mo yan! O diba, sobrang advanced reading ka ngayon! Well, relative sa iyong regular cramming habit. Resulta? Tinapos ko ang exam 2-hour exam ng isang oras! Grabe na ‘to! This is too good to be true. First time in years na lumabas ka ng exam room nang masaya! Haay, mabuti naman at may pag-asa akong makuha ang 80% na kailangan ko sa lahat ng natitira kong exam para lang maka 3.0.

Ganun naman lagi every sem eh. Sa simula, kunwari nakikinig ako, nag-te-take down ng notes. After 1 week, kapag hindi ko na naiintindihan, nag-rarandom na lang ako sa calculator ko, nagtatanong ng kung anu-anong kalokohan. I’ll make a deal with you God, may itatanong ako, please answer through my scientific calculator. Gusto ba niya ko? Kapag even, yes. Kapag odd,no. Shift + Ran#. EXE. 0.825. Yes!! Liligawan ko na ba siya? Kapag even, yes. Kapag odd,no. Shift + Ran#. EXE. 0.713. Yes!!

Kung minsan naman, nakakaantok talaga ang aking mga guro. Kahit nagkakandahirap akong tiisin ang pagkabagot, try-and-try-until-you-die pa rin ako sa pakikinig. Kapag di ko na talaga matiis, asan na nga ba yung calculator ko? Sino ang pipiliin niya? Kapag even, ako. Kapag odd, siya. Shift + Ran#. EXE. 0.496.(Buntong hininga) Siya…God, is our deal still on?

At ngayon, katapusan na naman ng sem. Gaya ng inexpect ko, habulan to the max pa rin ako sa mga subjects ko. Major subjects pa man din!

Gusto ko man sabihin na next sem, mag-aaral na talaga ako!, hindi ko magawa, nahihiya na ako sa sarili ko sa kaka-pangako na aayusin ko na ang aking study habits. Gagawin ko na lang, huwag mangako. Kailangan eh. Hindi na ako mag-papa-distract sa kung anu-ano. Studies first. Kahit org ko pa (yeah, right! Para namang matitiis ko). Mas lalong kahit pag-ibig (no comment).

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Isaw

“Sige class, kung wala na kayong tanong, then you’re dismissed.”

Haay, natapos din ang class! Ang saya-saya ko! Makikita na naman kita sa lobby, kasi tapos na rin ang klase mo. And syempre, as usual, sabay na naman tayong maglalakad pauwi ng dorm.

Alam mo bang tuwing Soc Sci 2 ko ay ikaw na lang lagi ang iniisip ko? Paano ba naman, habang pinag-aaralan ko si Plato at Socrates sa PH 206, pinag-aaralan mo naman si Rizal sa PI 100 mo sa PH 208. Alam mo rin bang matagal na kitang crush? Kalayaan days pa natin, head over heels na ako sa iyo! Kaya nga nag-Yakal ako kasi nabasa ko sa bulletin board natin na na-approve ang application mo sa Yakal. That’s why ang swerte ko this sem! Kasi nga, magkatabi room natin at pareho pa ang oras ng class natin. Pareho rin tayong diretso sa dorm pagka-dismissed kasi pareho na tayong wala nang class. Syempre, pareho tayong galing AS at pauwi ng dorm, ala ngan naming hindi pa tayo magpansinan at magsabay, diba?

“Nicole!”

“Oh Marty, haler!”

Sheeet, ang cute ng smile mo!

“O pano, sabay ulit tayo?”

“Oo ba.”

“Musta PI mo? Natapos mo na ba ang readings mo”

“Haay naku! Iyon nga ang problema ko eh. I’m lagging by 5 chapters! Kaya nga nagmamadali ako kasi gagawa pa ako ng powerpoint sa report ko sa isang major ko bukas. Wish ko lang, makaya ko ‘to.”

Ashuu, lagi mo naman sinsabi iyan! Napaka-humble mo talaga! Tapos niyan next sem US ka na naman.

“Ngi, ‘kaw pa. Sayang, yayayain sana kita mag-isaw sandali.”

“Awww, pasensya na ah. Promise! Kapag nakaluwag ako, ililibri pa kita!”

“Promise mo yan ah..”

“Oo sige.. oh ikaw, musta Soc Sci 2 mo? ‘Nga pala, yung Outline ko kelan mo kukunin? Kahit hindi mo na basahin ang libro, maipapasa mo yan.”

Actually, may nahiram na ako. Pero syempre, mas gusto ko gamitin iyong sa iyo. Tapos tuwing mag-aaral ako, magdo-doodle ako ng Marty © Nicole.

“Oo nga! Mamyang dinner, dalhin mo na, kukunin ko na.”

“Uy, daan ulit tayo Beta Way..”

“Bakit ba dun mo lagi gusto dumaan? May crush ka dun sa may parking lot no?”

“Gagi, wala noh! Gusto ko naglalakad dun kasi parang nasa park ako.”

“Haler? Eh isang malaking park kaya ang UP noh!”

I used to hate ‘haler’. I thought it was baduy. Now I think it’s cute.

“Gusto ko kasi nag-sa-sight-seeing dun, kasi ang dami ko nakikita. Ganitong oras ang daming couples dun.”

Gusto mo sali tayo sa kanila minsan?

“Hindi ka ba mangagati sa mga lamok dun?”

“Hindi kaya! Ang romantic kaya dun. Yung bang mag-uusap kayo under the shade of a tree. Tapos kung anu-ano napag-uusapan niyo. Para bang Before Sunrise at Before Sunset ang drama mo.. Kaya pwis pwis Mawty, mag-Beta Way na tayo..”

“O siya-siya, Beta Way na kung Beta Way.”

Every TF, inaabangan ko itong mga ‘walks’ natin. Ang sarap mo kasi kausap. Iyon bang kahit ano, kaya mong lagyan ng punchline/ Kahit corny joke, nakakatawa pa rin, kasi dinadaan mo sa performance. Ayoko dumadaan sa Beta Way kasi ang dilim at ang daming sukal. Pero syempre, ala ngan namang humiwalay pa ako sa iyo. Kapag nag-baby talk ka na, hindi na ako makahindi.

“Wook wook Marty! Ayun oh, dalawang jologs na mag-syota..”

“Uy, grabe ka naman diyan manlait.”

“Ehehe, sowi po.. ang sweet nila noh? Siguro day-off pa nung katulong ngayon kaya sila nakapag-date..”

“Di bale, kapag nakapag-day off na rin tayo sa acads natin, punta tayo dito..”

“Oy ano ka? Mag-de-date tayo?”

“Uhmm..”

Oh no! Masusupalpal ‘ata ako!

“.. eh, hindi naman. Wala lang.. gusto mo mag-hang out dito eh, sasamahan lang kita. Baka ma-rape ka pa..”

Shet! Mabubuking mo na yata na gusto kita!

“Ganon, concerned ba?! Weawy? Hehe.. how nice of you to do that.. sweet mo pala, swerte ng magiging GF mo..

AWKWARD AND SILENT MOMENT.

“Uhm, sabay tayo nood ng Lantern Parade ha. Next week na iyon.”

“Sige, okay lang. As in tayong dalawa lang?”

“Okay lang. Tapos gusto mo manood ng Miss Eng’g?”

“Di naman tayo pareho Engineering ah! Pwede ba tayo manood?”

“Oo naman, kahit di Eng’g pwede.. tsaka, Metallurgical Eng’g ako, remember?”

“Oh no! ‘Nga pala! Sorry ah.. Oo nga! How silly of me! Diba iyun ang tambayan niyo?”

“Yup!”

“Ikaw, nag-Miss Eng’g ka? Puti mo eh!”

“Yup..”

Geesh, baka ma-turn off ka sa akin.

“Talaga?! Nanalo ka ba?”

“2nd Runner-Up. Tagal na nun noh! Next topic, please.”

“Really? Ang galing mo naman! Alam mo ba? Bilib ako sa mga nag-miMiss Eng’g. Kasi ang lakas ng loob nila! You’re suppose to be real men diba? Wala lang, it takes a lot of courage to be able to do that.. May award ka ba?”

“Bakti Award..”

“Huh? Ano iyon?”

“Uhmm, Bakat, alam mo na..”

“Ngek, hindi nga eh! Bakat ano?”

“Titi..”

“Yikes! Ganun ba kalaki? Ewww.. intriguing!”

Wanna make sure? Ooh! You touched my tralalala!!

“Next topic na please? Malapit na tayo sa dorm kaya ibahin na natin usapan natin, baka may makarinig pa sa wholesome conversation natin no! Isipin, pervert ako!”

“Minsan, patingin kung you deserve it ha, ..”

“Nicole ha, may lihim kang pagnanasa sa akin ha! Huwag mo ko hamunin, di’ kita tatanggihan..”

“Natural, alam ko naming crush mo ko eh!”

ANOTHER AWKWARD AND SILENT MOMENT.

“Uy, away mo pa bumili sa kart?”

“Sige, sure, why not!”

“Ate Linda, isang kaldereta po, dalawang rice.. Ikaw?”

“Ate Linda, chopsuey po, tatlong rice..”

“Ang takaw mo ah!.. Ate, eto po.. Saan mo dinadala ang kinakain mo?”

“Ewan ko nga, swerte ako kasi hindi naiipon ang kinakain ko sa katawan ko.. magkano po lahat?.. eto po oh. Tara, pasok na tayo.. Gusto mong ng chopsuey?”

“Salamat na lang. May hipon yan diba?”

“Oh eh ano ngayon? Ang sarap kaya!”

“Basta, nangangati lalamunan ko, allergic kasi ako eh.”

“Alam mo, ang dami mong hindi kinakain! Pati fishball at isaw ayaw mo..”

“Eh sa nandidiri ako eh. Tsaka ngangati talaga ako!”

“Ang sarap kaya! Ang arte kasi eh!”

Shet, nakakahiya, tuluyan ka nang na-turn off sa akin.

“O pano, Nicole, kita kits sa canteen mamya, pakidala yung Outline ah..”

“Sige, see ya!”

Haaay, another walk is over. Haay Nicole! Irog ng buhay ko!

“Marty, sandali.."

“Oh bakit?”

“Diba, nag-iinvite ka mag-isaw kanina?”

“Yup! Oh ano, nagbago na isip —“

“Diba allergic ka?”

“Hindi, naman, nandidiri la––”

“Diba sabi mo dati, kakain ka lang ng isaw if you’re with a girl you like?”

“Uh–”

“And you’re inviting me to eat isaw?”

“Yup..”

Quick Thoughts