Recent Thoughts

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much

“I worry about fast forgivers. They tend to forgive quickly in order to avoid their pain. Or they forgive fast in order to get an advantage over the people they forgive and their instant forgiving only makes things worse. People who have been wronged badly and wounded deeply should give themselves time and space before they forgive. There is a right moment to forgive. We cannot predict it in advance. We can only get ourselves ready for it when it arrives. Don't do it quickly, but don't wait too long. If we wait too long to forgive, our rage settles in and claims squatter's rights to our souls”
- Lewis B Smedes


Well, my moment has come – I am forgiving you, all of you. I know you know who you are. (Kasi alam ko, mababasa at mababasa ninyo ito). I'm not sure if this is too fast or what. It’s only been a month since the last deal breaker. Wow, that was really foul – it was the worst thing someone I cared about has ever done to me. If this were a basketball league, you should've been banned from playing for life.

“… Simon, a lot of people wanted me to say a lot of things to you. But this is what I want to say to you. Yes, you’ve hurt me, and it was painful, it really was. But I want you to know that I have forgiven you, and that you don’t need someone to apologize in order to forgive somebody. And I figured that if Jesus could die so all of my wrongs could be forgiven, then I can certainly extend that same grace to you…”
- Mandisa Hundley on American Idol, Season 5, 3rd Day Hollywood Rounds


Whenever people ask me, “Kuya, can you still forgive him?” All I could do is manage a fake grin. I thought I never could. This isn’t something we could laugh about with our grandchildren someday. If only you knew, I really wanted to get even. I wanted to throw muriatic acid at your face. (Hala, obvious na tuloy na nanonood ako ng mga teleserye =p). Besides, it’s not like you’ve apologized or something. How could I forgive someone who isn’t even sorry?


“In the long run, it's not a question of whether they deserve to be forgiven. You're not forgiving them for their sake. You're doing it for yourself. For your own health and well-being, forgiveness is simply the most energy-efficient option. It frees you from the incredibly toxic, debilitating drain of holding a grudge. Don't let these people live rent free in your head. If they hurt you before, why let them keep doing it year after year in your mind? It's not worth it but it takes heart effort to stop it. You can muster that heart power to forgive them as a way of looking out for yourself. It's one thing you can be totally selfish about.”
- Doc Childre and Howard Martin

"Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten."
- Buddha

"Forgiveness has nothing to do with forgetting. A wounded person cannot – indeed, should not – think that a faded memory can provide an expiation of the past. To forgive, one must remember the past, put it into perspective and move beyond it. Without remembrance, no wound can be transcended."
- Beverly Flanigan


I’ve been through a lot the past year. You weren’t exactly the worst, but carrying the heavy load of my resentment towards you have been unnecessarily using up my energy. You were like a spy ware in my system that’s been using up a considerable amount of my resources without me noticing it. As much as I regret a lot of things, I could never bring back time and redo those things. What is done is done. And there’s been a lot of damage to boot. But then, what does one do when one’s computer been plagued with malicious (Haha! The perfect adjective…) spy ware? One reformats the machine. The thing is though, the bad sectors on your hard disks will always be there, forever.


"You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well."
- Lewis B. Smedes

"We read that we ought to forgive our enemies; but we do not read that we ought to forgive our friends."
- Pierre Corneille

"If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us."
- Hermann Hesse

“… The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. And if you hate me, it means you still care…”
- Bree Van de Kemp on Desperate Housewives, Season 2, Episode 16


So, here I am, it’s half past 3am but I'm still typing out this piece. Okay lang, kakauwi lang namin around 2am, galing kami sa Easter Vigil sa simbahan. Ayoko muna itulog ito. I wanted to write this while I am still in the forgiving mode. Because I don’t want to wake up tomorrow realizing that I'm not in the mood to forgive anymore.

I don’t expect anything from this. Heck, I'm not expecting anything from you. I just want you to know that I've forgiven you, nothing more, nothing less. I'm not doing this for show – para ako ang mag-mukhang bida. Because for me, the praise and admiration I may or may not get from this is nothing compared to the peace of mind I will surely partially have. (Well, partially lang. Hindi lang naman ikaw ang pinoproblema ko no, feeling ka…) Let’s just say that this is just part of the renovation I was talking about a few posts ago.

I may not have a girlfriend; I may not drink, smoke cigarettes or jutes; I may not drive a nice car; I may not flirt, date or pick up whores; I may not make girls drool and salivate over me; I may not give them 5-minute emotional highs with just a smile; but this doesn’t in any way make me less of man. I may not be as masculine in the stereotype rugged sense, but I am man enough to admit my mistakes, say sorry and do the right thing (I really hope this is the right thing...). I will not pretend to be someone I am not for image purposes. I am not a boy who thinks I'm a man (haha! Spice Girls…).

Up until now, I still can't decipher what wrong I have done to you that I haven't apologized for. I still can't think about how I deserved this (unless it's something I'm not aware of). Because despite and in spite of what you did to me, I still cannot accept that you are that treacherous to do this to me just for kicks. I may have done something so wrong to merit such doing. It must have been as bad as well. Whatever that was, I am sorry. For what it's worth, I'm sorry for all the harsh words. You may have deserved them, yes, but in respect for the good and better times, I am deeply sorry. (Pero madaya pa rin no, nasabi ko na kasi eh...)

By the way, I thank Jesus for this. Yeah, yeah, I know – ang baduy ko, napaka-religious. You see, I credit Him for switching to this forgiving mode. And thanks to Mel Gibson as well. I was watching The Passion: Recut last Good Friday. Jesus said, “Forgive those who persecute you, etc, etc…” I just managed a shrug. But when I saw again the seemingly endless flagellating, damn! I couldn’t say no. I really felt guilty. So here I am – awkwardly freeing myself from that guilt. I am not pretending to be an angel or a convert here. I am nothing to closer to being a winged and lovable creature. I have my own share of stupidity and selfishness.

So there, let me conclude with a few more quotes na lang. Pasensya na guys, eto na yata pinakamahabang post ko ever. I just needed these qoutes to convince me to really do this. Mahirap talaga, pero thank God, magagawa ko. =)


"When two men quarrel, the one who yields first displays the nobler nature."

- Talmud

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
- Mahatma Gandhi

"Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
- Cindy Clabough

PS
(Title by Oscar Wilde) - not like you were actually an 'enemy', but you certainly wasn't the opposite either. Good luck with 'fixing' your own set of mess. I'm doing my own 'fixing' right now.. =) <<>

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