Recent Thoughts

Saturday, April 01, 2006

April Fools' Thoughts

Habang pilit kong kinakabisa kung paano i-solve ang spectral density function of a power signal given its autocorrelation function, may bigla akong na-realize sa araw na ito that made me very nostalgic. Today is April 1st. Well, oo, April Fool’s Day ngayon. So dapat extra careful ako, baka maging victim ako ng isang prank eh. But it’s not that thoughtful reminder that tugged a string in my heart. It’s because this day five years ago, it was my high school graduation day.

Wala lang, napaisip lang ako. Since that day in 2001, I have never ‘commemorated’ it. Kumbaga sa loob ng 5 taon, ngayon lang ako natigilan at napaisip na, ‘Teka, HS Graduation Anniversary ko ngayon ah!’ Ewan ko ba, but instead of being positively reflective of it, I was actually wistful, a little short of depressed. Kasi SUPPOSEDLY, five years from my high school graduation, eh college graduation ko naman. Dapat by this time, iniisip ko na kung ano susuotin ko sa graduation rites, kung paano ang handaan, etc. Pero hindi eh. Iniintindi ko ang mga lecheng sinusoids at Fourier Transforms sa EEE 107 na fina-finals ko for the 3rd time.

Maybe it’s just that point in one’s life wherein one is suddenly so reflective of the ‘path’ one is taking in life. Sabi ko, ‘Shet! I'm supposed to be graduating!’ Nakalungkot, nakaka-depress, nakaka-baba ng tingin sa sarili. To add salt to the injury, for the past 3 days alone, 3 friends (from way back in high school pa, na matagal ko nang hindi nakikita) innocently asked kailan ang graduation ko, kesyo saan ang handa. One even asked saan ako nag-wowork. Ang reply ko sa lahat, ‘Hindi pa ako gagraduate.. (“,)’ Oo, with that big smiley. Wala lang, para hindi halata ang hiya sa pagsabi na ‘oo, delayed ako’.

Now don’t get me wrong, pasintabi sa mga kapwa ko delayed na magbabasa nito. I don’t have anything against ‘delayed’ people, especially those from Engineering. Norm ito sa atin, diba? Actually, ako mismo, hindi na big deal sa akin na delayed na ako. Hindi na ako bothered, tanggap ko na kasi last sem ko pa alam eh. Although oo, medyo masakit na sa 5thdelayed – it’s personal issue. year pa ako mdedelay, na all these years, proud ako na kahit papaano, nakakaraos at on-time pa rin ako. This depression over being delayed - it's a personal issue.

Kasi naman, who would’ve thought that the guy whom was jokingly nicknamed ‘Einstein’ (yep, medyo exag at bilib na bilib mga friends ko sa akin, pero hindi naman ako ganun ka-geeky) is gonna end up like this. (Kung ano iyung ‘this’ na sinasabi ko, sa akin na lang iyun. Nakakahiya kasi eh).

…Being a valedictorian is not even a guarantee that I will be among the triumphant ones. Nor the below average students be sure losers of the future…

This is so true. Pero shet! Noong ginawa ko ‘tong speech ko na ito, I never thought na maeexperience ko talaga siya. At the back of my mind, I was convinced that I will continue my success through college. Not that I would still be reaping honors, but I sure never imagined I’d be this pathetic. Ang hirap kasi i-explain sa ibang tao eh. Hindi nila ako lubusang maiintindihan. Kung ako lang, I can handle or cope with my failures. I mean, ako lang naman iyun eh. Hindi ka naman mahihiya sa sarili mo diba, kasi naiintindihan mo sitwasyon mo.

If we were to have an early reunion right now, my batchmates would probably say, ‘What happened?’ Truth is, I myself, have been asking that questions thousands of times. Whatever happened to the guy who studies only hours before and still perfect the test? Well, even if he would study days before, sometimes, even sleep only an hour or two, he wouldn’t even get a 50%. Whatever happened to the guy whose idea of a challenge was to perfect a grand slam in his perdiocal exams in Math? Whatever happened to the guy who used to enjoy going to school so much, who relished every day of learning? Whatever happened to the guy who was confident of himself, believed in himself? Well, he can't even get exempted from taking a finals in a subject he is taking for the third time. Whatever happened to the guy who always got things done? Whatever happened to that achiever? Whatever happened to me? Geez, I don’t know.. =(

____________________
Siguro, isang malaking joke lang 'to ni Lord sa akin. Advanced April Fools' joke ba? Pero grabe naman! Parang isang buong school year akong jino-joke.. =(

Quick Thoughts