Recent Thoughts

Sunday, May 14, 2006

My #1 Fan

Hey Mom! (I know that we call you Mama rather than Mom, but if I’d use Hey Mama instead, the Black Eyed Peas comes to mind and not you, hehe!) Today is your day! Whoopie! Okay, I must admit, I didn’t really feel the occasion today. For starters, I was alone in the house the whole day since yesterday (alam mo naman, umalis sina Ate Joi). The only mother-related thing I did was watch Anak on Cinema One and the ‘Nay you’re the best tribute of Surf to Moms on ASAP 06. I've blogged about a lot of things already ­­– American Idol, my cell phone, and my dog. And as Josie (Vilma Santos) reads Carla’s (Claudine Barretto) letter saying she’s writing an article about her mom, I realized I've written about my pet dog who’s been with us for only half a year and yet I haven't written a single sentence about my mom, who’s been in my whole life – all of those 21 years and nine months since Papa’s sperm and your egg became me. =)

It takes a lot to know what is love
It’s not the big things, but the little things
That can mean enough

Kinder pa lang ako, ikaw na ang laging gigising nang maaga, magluluto ng almusal, magpapainit ng tubig at gigising sa akin para maligo. Minsan nga diba, ang bagal ko pa kumain kasi hindi ko masyado trips ang ulam na madalas ay ininit lang naman ng mga ulam natin from the night before. You would always tell me in that eat-or-else voice, “Oh Rex, bilisan mong kumain at baka iwan ka ng service mo. Nakakahiya, lagi ka na lang hinihintay!” Alam nating pareho, hindi naman ako laging hinihintay. Iyun kasi style mo eh, ine-exag mo lagi ang mga bagay-bagay, para makinig ako sa iyo. At habang nakaupo ako sa terrace natin na nagbabasa ng diyaryo habang hinihintay ang service ko, ikaw naman, sisimulan mo na ang pagwawalis mo sa garden natin. Hindi mawawala ang, “Oh, ang mga libro mo, dala mo na ba? Ang diary? COY? Mga assignments mo? Ang baon mo? Ang panyo mo?” Syempre, nakukulitan ako lagi, oo lang ako nang oo, hanggang sa marealize ko na may nakalimutan nga ako. Hanggang noong high school ako, ganoon pa rin.

Pero noong 2nd Year na ako, hindi na ikaw kasi kasama ka na ni Papa sa Bahrain. Si Ate naman nagpapainit ng pagkain at gumigising sa akin. Pero syempre, may sarili na siyang baby, a few months old pa lang si Jasper noon. Puyat din lagi si Ate. Iba pa rin talaga pag ikaw. With you, everything’s all set, I’d just have to sit and eat. Ultimo uniform ko, nakalapag pa sa kama, diba? Polo na may number depende kung anong araw, white socks na number din, sando, brief, etc.

A lot of prayers to get me through
And there is never a day that passes by
I don’t think of you

Bata pa lang ako, lagi mo akong pinipilit na magsimba every Sunday. As always, lagi mo rin ako pinapagalitan kasi ambagal ko kumilos, kesyo male-late na tayo sa Mass. Samantalang ikaw itong matagal maligo at magbihis! Haha! You’ve always inculcated in me your deep faith in God. Kahit college na ako, lagi mo pa rin ako pinagsasabihan. “Sa isang buong linggo, andaming oras para gawing mo ang gusto mo. Isang oras lang hinihingi sa iyo ng Diyos, hindi mo pa maibigay?” Because of you, I grew up with fear of God. I had a pretty good sense of what is wrong and what is right. Even now that I'm all grown-up, I still have those values you instilled in me ever since I was a child. Even if you are more than 7300 km away, I can still feel your spiritual guidance with your text messages and all those prayer sheets you’ve always compiled and sent to me. Just so you know, I do keep them. And I did use them.

You were always there for me
Pushing me and guiding me
Always to succeed

When I think about it, kung kasali ako sa American Idol, ikaw si Simon Cowell. You were pretty hard with me when it comes to my ‘performances’. But the thing is, you had Paula Abdul’s motherly aura, because after all, you ARE my mother. You’re the best stage mom ever. You would always watch my contests. Thank God that most of the time, nananalo ako kahit 3rd Place. Astig ang namana kong genes sa iyo eh. San ka pa? Valedictorian ka lang naman in Grade School and High School. Ang galing mo pa sa English! Pati nga English teacher ko na si Miss Torres, bilib sa inyo eh. Kasi alam niya na ikaw ang laging nagpapractice sa akin each time na may contest akong sinasalihan. Naalala mo minsan, sabi ko sa iyo, masyado kang fault finder, lahat na lang ng ginagawa ko mali, lahat na lang kailangan iimprove. But Mom, if it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t have achieved even half of what I did.

But even in times that I lost, you were still there. Remember when I lost the Declamation Contest in 1st Year? Alam na alam mo eh, kasi pag-uwi ko, nagkulong agad ako sa kwarto. Kinagalitan mo pa nga ako noon eh, kasi ayaw kong kumain. Sabi mo sa akin hindi lahat nang pagkakataon ay nananalo ako, na dapat marunong din akong tumanggap ng pagkatalo.

God has been so good
Blessing me with a family
Who did all they could

Our family isn't super perfect, but I take pride in saying that we all love each other, despite the distance. Hindi tayo katulad ng ibang pamilya ng OFW na makikita mo sa pelikula na nagkawatak-watak. You and Papa have always been the light and pillar of our home even if you aren’t physically here. When I’d have my own family, you guys would definitely by my role models.

And I’ve had many years of grace
And it flatters me when I see a smile on your face
I wanna thank you for what you’ve done
In hopes I can give back to you
And be the perfect son

If only you knew how much I cringe to myself whenever it hits me that I'm not the perfect son. You do realize that you’re a nagger when you’re mad, right? Haha! Pero alam mo Ma, kahit na naiinis ako sa iyo tuwing kinagagalitan mo ako, know that deep inside (especially kapag mahinahon na ako at ma-realize ko na ako ang stupid dahil nakuha kong mainis sa iyo), I am very thankful. Sabi nga ni Daday sa Anak, kapag pinapagalitan mo ako, ibig sabihin noon, mahal mo ako.

You showed me how to love
You showed me how to care
And you showed me that you would
Always be there
I wanna thank you for that time
And I’m proud to say you’re mine

You showed me when I was young just how to grow
You showed me everything that I should know
You showed me just how to walk without your hands
’Cause mom you always were
The perfect fan

The past week, all things Mother’s Day are everywhere – articles sa dyaryo, promos ng Surf, Ariel & McDo at episodes ng mga palabas sa TV. Even my Starbucks Planner has a coupon for Mother’s Day. It sucks that we can't be with you today. I couldn’t even give you a gift. Hours ago, an orgmate came over to borrow something and a I made her a banana caramel shake. Samantalang ikaw, ni hindi ko pa nagawan ng shake na gusto mo. Haha! Naiimagine ko na, sasabihin mo na mauubo ka lang. Do you know that I cooked rice and corned beef for the guy that Kuya Dennis hired to paint the cabinets? Ni ikaw nga, hindi ko pa napagsaing or napagluto.

I wrote this thing for more than three hours, kasi every paragraph, naiiyak ako. And the fact that this Backstreet Boys song is so mushy doesn’t help. Haha! But I used it in this piece because it’s the truth. You are the perfect fan. In this whole world you’re the only one who’d say I'm handsome despite my pimples. You're the first to tell me I have a great speaking voice and that I should join our Parish’s Comlec. You’re the only one who would tell me not to give up, to have faith in God. You’re the only one who would still love me in spite of my mistakes. You may not know what I go through everyday – that I'm rooting for Katharine McPhee on American Idol or that I just had a McChicken dinner or that I just gave our dogs a bath and cleaned their shit or that a trusted friend betrayed me recently – but I know that in this world of more than 6 billion people, no one else loves me, accepts me, appreciates me the way you (and Papa, pero syempre, next month na lang ang sa kanya) do. For this Mama, I love you! So much. Things may be quite shaky for me now, but with the strength that I am able to extract from you, I know and I believe I can surmount this huge obstacle in my life right now.

Thanks for always exaggerating, at least I know what my limits are. Thanks for always pointing out what’s wrong with me, at least I know how to improve myself and make you prouder. Thanks for always believing in me. Thanks for all those little things you did for me. Thanks for the nagging ang constant reminding, it has kept my feet on the ground. Thanks for guiding and protecting me but still giving me enough room to explore the world out there and learn lessons on my own. Thanks for the utmost selflessness, countless sacrifices, gentle understanding, never ending support, unconditional love and most of all, for the egg that defines half of my whole being. Haha! Kala mo super serious no? Victoria Lagman Dizon, Happy Happy Mother’s Day!

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