Recent Thoughts

Monday, July 17, 2006

Dark Age

The only reason I couldn't just end it all is because I don't want to get hurt any furthur.

I was asked to post about the 'loneliest point in my life' in an internet game I'm part of. I didn't have a hard time thinking of the loneliest point of my life. It was easy as it was just recently. But the thing is, I do have qualms about posting it for the whole internet world to see. But heck, I'm required to, so I'll post anyway.

The loneliest point in my life was when I passed just 11 units in a one whole school year -- 4 units from the 1st semester, 7 units from the 2nd semester. You see, it's not about the failing grade for in my 5 years in UP, I'm accustomed to 5.0s. But when these 5.0s came in droves, whoa! Well, I think you get the picture.

If it were just me, I can handle the pangs of my personal failure because I know what really happened. If there's one person who can understand me, it is me. What made me feel so bad was knowing I disappointed my parents. I can still remember the day when my Papa made an overseas call to ask me what happened. I obviously got an enormous amount of overseas sermon. I was quiet the whole call, I just let my father do all the talking because I know that I couldn't offer a valid excuse for my shortcomings.

So what exactly went wrong? Well, of course, I have to blame myself. Having an overload of problems is not a valid excuse. I allowed all the bad things that happened to happen. But what happened to me then? I don't want to reveal the details for fear of being on the receiving end of some people's wrath, hehe.

Let's just say that I had personal problems that hounded me even when I sleep. Apparently, these problems really affected me -- affected me bad enough to make me screw up on other aspects of my life. Anyway, things are way way better now, that's why I don't want to reveal the details, for it might jeopardize my peaceful and civil relations with these people. I worked on my personal problems first the whole summer (of 2006). Because I felt that in order for me to have a clear mind on what to do with my other problems, I had to get rid some toxic clutter in my mind and heart.

As for my acads, well, obviously, I was dismissed from the college. So I had to make an appeal. Worse, I need a new research laboratory where I can do my thesis. My Plan A was to seek the help of Professor A. Unfortunately, she already resigned from the Department so she couldn't help me. Plan B was to ask another professor - Professor B. Again, it didn't work because Professor B couldn't help me because according to him, he can't accommodate me. If I had to choose a loneliest day in the period of Dark Ages in my life, I would choose that day when I learned that I had to make an appeal without any assistance. I felt so bad that I couldn't think of Plan C. I was on bed for almost 20 hours. Plan C was to make an appeal anyway. I thought to myself, "Bahala na si Lord..." I even joked to my friends that if wasn't readmitted, I would enroll at AMACC so that I could have the PBBTE housemates as classmates, haha!

So there, the first half of 2006 were the darkest months of my life. =p It even came to a point when I wanted to die. Hehe, andrama no? The only reason I'm alive today is because I don't have enough courage to commit suicide. Because I knew that in my suicidal moments, I just have to let it all out and eventually, I'd come to my senses and realize how funny and stupid I was for ever thinking of suicide. But it sure didn't prevent me from wishing a comet would fall from the sky and hit me. Haha!

Anyway, a week after, Renaissance came. I was readmitted. Plus, I even had a new research lab! It's like my problems solved themselves one by one. (Thus this blog post).

You're probably thinking, "Ang exag naman nito! Parang bumagsak lang eh, may pa-suicide-suicide pang nalalaman!" My personal problems were nothing compared to the death of a loved one, right? After all, losing a beloved one is one of the most painful experiences you'll have. But then again, in my Dark Ages, I felt like I lost myself. As absurd as it sounds it was a time when I couldn't find a reason to live.

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